


crazy for loving you

by breakoutrachael



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-30
Updated: 2014-11-30
Packaged: 2018-02-27 11:47:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2691788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breakoutrachael/pseuds/breakoutrachael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I apologize for any mistakes made in this, and I hope you enjoy it anyway. Please do not send this to any of the boys, it will be deleted. Other than that, happy reading!</p>
    </blockquote>





	crazy for loving you

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for any mistakes made in this, and I hope you enjoy it anyway. Please do not send this to any of the boys, it will be deleted. Other than that, happy reading!

Zayn never intended to ever talk to Harry again. But Harry was _everywhere_  again. Zayn tried,  _God_  did he try, to stay away from Harry at first. Walk the other way when he saw him. Sit in the back of the class that they shared to make sure Harry wouldn't notice him. Or look away when he saw Harry in the crowd at his football games. Liam was the one who put an end to that. Zayn forgot how long it had been since he had actually heard Harry speak, with his slow voice that sent shivers down Zayn's spine even after all these years. His hair was longer, he wore tighter clothes. And Zayn thinks he likes him better this way. But he shouldn't be thinking like that at all. Harry didn't tell Liam that he already knew who Zayn was, instead he just let out a small laugh and greeted Zayn. They shook hands and smiled politely, but Zayn could feel the tension between them. And that tightness in his stomach. Liam left shortly after, leaving them standing alone.

"So," Harry says after a beat. And Zayn just nods. He has that tight feeling in his stomach, he knew he shouldn't have come to Niall's lame party. Even though he is shit faced, he still knows that this is a bad idea. Standing here with Harry. Talking to Harry. Just  _Harry_. "are you well?" Zayn wants to vomit on his fucking boots.  _Are you well?_  That's all he has to fucking say.

"Let's not do this, yeah?" Zayn says quite harshly. He doesn't stick around to see how Harry reacts to it. Doesn't even want to. He finds Louis instead and lets him know that he is going home.

"Okay, see you there, love." Louis says, giving Zayn hug. Zayn thinks Louis can tell something is wrong. He is quite good at those things. And Zayn is thankful that Louis doesn't ask him to explain it, he might've actually vomited. He doesn't look for Harry on his way out the door, and he doesn't turn around when he hears someone call after him.

He's home in ten minutes and finally feels like he can breathe. And he thinks he should call his mum. She always makes him feel better. So he rings her, and she answers immediately. "Hi, love!" She says warmly, and Zayn feels like crying. He hasn't seen her in so long, and he misses her. Misses home. "S'alright, darling." And Zayn knew that she would know something is wrong before he even opened his mouth to speak, she just always knows. "I was waiting on your call,"

"I'm sorry, I know its late." He sighs into the phone. "I just needed to talk to someone." He knows she understands, and even if she didn't, she would never get mad at him for calling her. "How have things been?" He asks, instead of telling what's wrong with him. And his mum never even ask him to talk about it, and he is thrilled about that. She just dives right in and talks about how busy they have been recently and all the amazing things his sisters are doing. Zayn really wants to curl up into a blanket and fall asleep with her talking to him, but he doesn't. He quietly listens and occasionally adds comments here and there, until he hears his mum yawn for the fifth time.

"You should go to bed," He says, wishing that it wasn't so late because there is still that tight feeling in his stomach and he just wants to talk longer. "call me back tomorrow, yeah?" They say their goodbyes and I love yous and then hang up. And it isn't long after that until Zayn is almost asleep. But then he hears Louis.

Louis always has trouble getting the door open at night, and always wakes Zayn up. He is quite used to it by now. But it still manages to get under his skin a little. He knows that Louis is going to be hungover at practice tomorrow. And that he will probably whine about while they run. This is Louis though, one of his best mates, so he gets out of his warm bed to go open the door for him. He knows he should have stayed in bed the moment he opens the door. Louis isn't alone. He has Niall, Liam and Harry with him. Harry.  _Of course_  Louis and Harry would get on well. Zayn kind of wants to punch Louis in the face, but also wants to throw up again. He settles for going back to bed instead.

He knows that he will not get any sleep, not with all of them here carrying on in the next room. The tightness in his stomach won't go away, and he wishes he could call his mum again. But he is here. And cannot escape the sound of Harry's voice. It sounds like its right in his ear. And then it actually is. "Hey." Harry says. Zayn shudders. He doesn't want this. But Harry pushes him over, making room for himself in Zayn's bed. Zayn is frozen, can't even tell him no. "I missed you." And that's when Zayn comes back.

"You missed me? Harry, get out!" He gives Harry a hard shove, but he doesn't budge. He shoves again, but Harry still won't go. "What do you want from me? You keep showing up games and everywhere that I am. Come back round to fuck me over again?" Zayn spits. And he watches as Harry's face changes. He looks a little hurt, like he can't believe Zayn said it. But he leaves. So Zayn doesn't mind all too much.

Zayn remembers everything. Never forgot a single moment, how could he? His mum always said it would be the death of him, and god was she right. Because Zayn wants nothing more than to forget it all. But he can't. Not one single moment. Since they were little to the moment Harry left him. He remembers it all. Harry was everywhere and then suddenly he was nowhere, and Zayn remembers. He and Harry used to be best mates, they did everything together. Ever since they were born, says his mum. They lived across the street from each other, and of course their mums were best friends. So it was only natural that Zayn and Harry got on too. It was always Harry and Zayn, never just one of them. They went together or not at all. And Zayn liked it that way. Was perfectly content with it staying that way. But apparently Harry wasn't.

Zayn remembers the first time he wrecked his car, he was only seventeen at the time. And he had a right proper freak out. But Harry was there, like always, and knew exactly what to do. He got the other drivers information and checked out the damage, made sure to take pictures. And then he calmed Zayn down. Zayn couldn't have made it through that without Harry, he still knows that. Harry did everything that needed to be done. Even called their parents. Yaser yelled, Anne thanked god that they were okay, Robin agreed with Anne, and Trisha, well she hugged Zayn tightly and let him know that everything would be alright. But then she hugged Harry too and thanked him for all that he did. And Zayn thought that he couldn't have a better friend. He was wrong.

But he pushes all these thoughts aside and closes his eyes tightly. Because he can't let Harry do this. Take over his whole life again. He can't. It will end badly, and he knows it. But Harry always find a way to get exactly what he wants. But tonight he doesn't. And with Zayn knowing that, he falls asleep.

 

The next morning is worse. Zayn's head is pounding and he can still feel the tightness in his stomach. He is sure that Harry is still here, its far too early for him to have gone home. But he is wrong. Harry isn't with the other boys sitting in the kitchen waiting for Liam to finish cooking. They all nod at Zayn, and he briefly nods back. They know each other well enough to know that it is too early to be talking. Talking will come later. After the eating part.

Zayn is thankful that Harry isn't here. The tightness is gone, and he can eat in quiet. Harry never knew how to shut up, even when he had a hangover. He still talked and talked. Never knew how to shut up. But Zayn never really minded it, he always liked hearing Harry talk, until now that is. Now it makes him feel sick to his stomach, makes it tight, and makes him want hear his mum tell him it will be okay.

They watch a movie after eating, and Zayn is glad that they still aren't talking much. He isn't sure if his voice will come out right. And Louis knows, judging by the looks he keeps giving him, that something is up, but he hasn't asked yet. He is fortunate that no one knows of his and Harry's past, he isn't sure how he could explain it. But he knows that he will have to explain it all eventually, but hopefully not in the near future.

Liam is the first to ask if Zayn is okay, but he watches Louis look at him as if to say 'yeah what's up with you?". He shrugs at first, but then thinks better of it and smiles at Liam. "Nothing, Li!" He says, smiling again. Liam shakes his head and ruffles Zayn's hair a little. But Louis is still giving him that look. Zayn will tell him later tonight, maybe.

"Harry's coming back." Louis says.

"Why?"

"He wants to watch the movie with us?" Louis says. He is still staring Zayn down. But he doesn't care. Louis will have to wait.

"Why didn't you hang out with us lads last night?" Niall asks from the floor. He says the floor is the best seat for movies at their flat. Zayn disagrees.

"Passed out." Zayn shrugs. And Niall makes a noise as if to agree with him. And then the knock comes. They rock-paper-scissors over who has to answer it. Its Zayn. Of fucking course.

"Hi." Harry says at the door. He doesn't look at bit hungover. Always looks fucking perfect. The tightness comes back to Zayn's stomach.

"No."

"No what?"

"No, I don't want to talk to you. No, don't say hi to me. And no, don't pretend like everything is OK between us. No."

"Oh." And then they walk back to the lounge. And of course, because the universe is plotting against Zayn, Harry has to sit right next to him. Zayn wants to flip off Louis and Liam, who are cuddled up on the bigger couch. He doesn't.

"Stop." Zayn whispers half way through the movie. Harry keeps pinching his thigh, and its taking Zayn all he has not to throw up on Harry right now. He giggles. Fucking giggles. And then does it again. "I said stop." Zayn spits. He is angry. Beyond angry. Harry shouldn't be here. Shouldn't be doing this and acting like everything is okay. Like they are okay.

"Why? I used to do it all time." Harry whispers back. Zayn wants to laugh in his face. He doesn't.

"Things aren't like that now."

"Come on, Zayn."

"No, stop." And that's the end of it. Harry gets quiet and does say another word through the whole movie. Zayn shouldn't feel bad for making him upset, but he does. Because that's just how Zayn is. Always has been. Harry knows that too. And he is pretty sure that Harry will end up using it against him soon. Zayn doesn't think he will able to handle that.

Zayn thinks the movie lasts too long, and he can't even concentrate on it anymore. He can only think about Harry, sitting next him with his arms crossed and looking sadly at the screen. Zayn should not be the one feeling bad here. It should be Harry. Harry is the one who messed up. Not Zayn. So why is it that he feels the need to apologizing? He wishes he knew. He also wishes that he would have agreed with Niall in saying that the floor is the best for movies at their flat. Then he wouldn't be stuck here next to Harry. But of course things never work out in Zayn's favor.

"Stop." Harry whispers.

"What?"

"Thinking so hard." Of course Harry would know that he was over thinking everything.

"How would you know?"

"Are you joking? Who knows you better than me?"

"I dunno, a lot of people probably." He knows that one hurt Harry. But oh well.

"Ouch."

"Too bad."

"What's wrong?"

"Stop asking me that. Actually, stop talking to me."

"Fine." Harry sighs. Zayn breathes again. Hopefully they can go their separate ways after this. So he stares straight at the screen for the rest of the movie, and he can feel Harry's eyes on him, but he tries so hard to avoid it. And he is concentrating so hard on not looking over at Harry that he doesn't even know how the movie ends. Just that Harry never took his eyes off Zayn. 

Zayn can't understand it though. Harry was the one who left and now all he wants to do is talk. He figured that the least they would ever say is hi. But now Harry is part of the group and he wants to talk to Zayn the most. And that makes Zayn even more angry. He wants Harry to stay away. Far away like he has been. Not suddenly showing up at his flat and pinching his thigh like he used to. Zayn wants to scream. But instead he makes an excuse to leave the room and call his mum. She answers on the first ring.

"Two calls in a week, how lovely!"

"I know, I should call more."

"It's alright, love. I know you get quite busy up there with all your school work and football."

"I miss you." Zayn sighs, he feels like he could cry. And what he really needs right now is to be curled up in blanket fresh out of the dryer with a hot cup of tea his mum just made him. But they are hours away from each other.

"Oh, love." She sighs. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not now. But tell me, how's dad?"

"Oh, same old, same old." She carries on like nothing happened, and Zayn loves her even more for that. "He's fixing up an old car right now. He keeps telling me how he would love to have you here with him to help." He can tell that she is tearing up.

"Maybe I can come down next break, yeah?"

"That would be lovely! We all miss you terribly!" For the next thirty minutes he listens to her talk about everything that he has missed. And how he better come up to see his family and all the pretty lights in Bradford or she will send Yaser after him. He laughs along with her, and almost forgets why he called in the first place. Almost. And then Louis is in his room telling him that they are going to be late for practice so he hangs up. 

"Your head still pounding?" Zayn groans in response. "Yeah, mine too." 

"I hope we don't run too much." They do. Four times around the whole pitch and Zayn feels like he might vomit, but he pushes through because he knows it will be over soon. So he runs and runs, and tries to forget about how Harry keeps showing up everywhere and taking over his life again. 

"Zayn, could you maybe slow down?!" Louis whines somewhere behind him, and Zayn lets out a light laugh. But he slows down and waits for Louis. This is their last one anyway, he thinks. 

"Never let me get drunk like that again the night before practice." But Louis says this  _every_ time, and Zayn does remind him of it. But it never changes anything. 

"Gotcha, mate." Zayn says, shaking his head. And before he knows it they have stopped running and now they are into the actually practice. Louis is on Zayn's team today, which makes Zayn feel better because he and Louis work really well together. And it goes even better than he could've expect. His team wins the practice match. Louis has two assists and Zayn scores twice. And Zayn is fucking buzzing, and so excited for their game tomorrow. 

"Mate, that was brilliant!" Louis says in the locker room. "Keep it up and you'll be playing for Barcelona!" 

"Did you see yourself? That was mad, mate! You'll be the one playing there! And me and the lads will all have jerseys with your name on the back!" 

"Oh, I forgot to tell you that the lads are staying the night tonight." 

"No, its all good. Love some company!" Zayn is actually excited to see Niall and Liam. But they get there and Harry is still there too. And Zayn loses all the excitement. 

"How did it go, lads?" Harry asks. Zayn wants to die. 

"Amazing! Two assists from me and Zayn scored twice! We are going to kill it in the match tomorrow!" 

"It's going to be a good one!" Niall says, pulling Zayn to his side. "And I'll be reppin my favorite Bradford boy!" Niall lays a sloppy kiss on Zayn's cheek with a laugh. And Zayn laughs back shoving Niall lightly. 

Zayn tries to avoid the way Harry keeps looking at him, but it is burning a hole through him. And he wonders how the others don't smell the smoke. Zayn wants so badly to say something to Harry, but he can't. Because he hates hurting Harry, but he hates acting like its all fine. Zayn is far from that. And Harry isn't making it much easier. So Zayn excuses himself for bed early. But as soon as he closes the door, he hears footsteps coming towards his room.

Harry walks in the room and looks at him pointedly. But Zayn finishes put away his clothes first. And Zayn could not care less if he is wasting Harry's time or not. In fact, it only makes him take longer to ask him what he wants. Harry knows exactly what he is doing, of course. And of course he is not happy about it. But Zayn thinks Harry deserves to be a little upset.

"Can I help you?" Zayn sighs.

"I need a room to crash in."

" _Definitely_  not."

"Why?"

"When will you stop asking that? As if you don't know the fucking answer, Harry." Zayn wants to throw up and run away. But he stays still and manages to keep his food down.

"Can I stay in here or not?"

"Why do you need to stay in here?"

"Because both of the couches are being taken up by Liam and Niall, and Louis is not one to share a bed."

"Right. Sleep on the floor."

"Zayn, come on. It's just me."

"That's the problem here." Zayn is over this. Over Harry. If he has to he will give him the damn bed and go sleep with Louis. And then he thinks, yeah that's a good idea.

"OK."

"Take the bed, I don't fucking care." Zayn leaves, shutting the door behind him and makes his way to Louis' room. He knows that will share with him. He always does.

"Lou?" He says once he walks into the room.

"Alright, mate?"

"Yeah, yeah. Can I just crash with you tonight?"

"Course." Zayn gets in next to Louis and lets a breath he didn't know he was even holding. "Wanna talk about it?"

"Yeah." Zayn sighs. "I got my heart broke. And it fucking sucks." Louis doesn't say anything as he wraps his arms around Zayn and allows him to cry on his shoulder. He rubs gentle circles on Zayn's back, and Zayn thinks that he is very lucky to have a friend like Louis. Louis who never asks too many questions, but always listens when you want to talk. And Louis who holds his best mates when they need a good cry.

"All done now?" Louis asks once he doesn't hear Zayn sniffle anymore. Zayn nods a little, but doesn't move from where he is. He knows Louis won't mind. And he falls asleep like that.

+++

Zayn was fourteen when he got his first kiss. It wasn't nearly as scary as he thought it would be. Harry really freaked him out about it. Kept saying that he would be shit at it, and that he probably would never be a good kisser. Zayn thought it went pretty well actually. It was just a little peck, but hey. It was right after one of his games and he had scored that night, so he was flying! And she just kissed me. He tells Harry all about it when they are sitting in the tree house.

"It was nice." Zayn shrugs.

"Nice? You sucked, didn't you?"

"No!" Zayn defends, pinching Harry's thigh.

"You were good then?"

"I think so."

"You probably were."

"Then why did you say all that stuff to freak me out?"

"To make you try harder, duh." Zayn thinks he could slap Harry. He doesn't.

"How was yours?"

"Amazing." Harry's pupils go wide, and Zayn feels something in his stomach tighten. But he can't place his finger on what is, so he pushes it down. Pretends he doesn't feel it. 

"Doubt it."

"Whatever!" Harry says, pinching Zayn's thigh back. "Just you wait." And Zayn did.

+++

Zayn wakes in the morning to Louis snoring in his ear, he gently pushes off the bed and makes his way to the kitchen. He is a little startled when he sees the mug with his name on it sitting on the counter waiting for him. But then he sees him.  _Harry_. Of course Harry made coffee for Zayn. Zayn picks it up and takes a drink. Perfect, he thinks. He still remembers how Zayn takes his coffee. Zayn forgot how hard it was to hate Harry.

"Thanks." Zayn says, taking a seat opposite of Harry.

"Still remember." Harry says smiling.

"I'm surprised."

"You think I could forget that? I remember more than you think. For example when Yaser came and got you out of school that one day because he noticed your name spray painted on the road."

" _Jesus,_  I thought I was dead." Zayn laughs.

"I thought I was dead, as well. My name was right next to yours!"

"He yelled the whole way home. I never heard the end of it." Zayn shakes his head.

"I remember you weren't allowed to hang out for a whole month, so we would write messages on dry erase boards and hold them up to our windows."

"That was torture!"

"It was fun, though!"

"It was, huh."

"How is Yaser, by the way." And then it clicks back into place. Zayn shouldn't be doing this.

"Harry. You can't do that."

"Right, forgot." Harry rolls his eyes, Zayn wants to punch him.

"There better be a cup of tea with my name on it!" Louis says, walking into the kitchen and planting a nice kiss on Zayn's cheek as if to say 'it will get better, love.' Zayn smiles slightly at him. And soon the rest of the boys are up.

Everyone is gone by ten, and Zayn has never felt happier to have an empty flat, well besides Louis being there. The tightness is completely gone, and it feels like he is awake again. He works on course work for a little bit. And when he gets sick of that, he sings and dances around for awhile. And when that gets tiring, he gets online to check the train schedule for next weekend. He has decided that Christmas break is far too long of a time to wait to see his family. He need to see them soon. Maybe help his dad work on the car. And help his mum cook. And listen to his sister talk about how school is going. He thinks it will be best if left a surprise. And he thinks he would quite like to make everyone a little happy, so surprising them is great.

But tonight he has a match to attend. And he just knows that they are going to win. So he gathers his things and he and Louis make their way to the pitch. He is bouncing with excitement the whole way there. And he warms up with the same excitement. He smiles and waves at the crowd and he knows that his mates are out their, Niall with a Zayn shirt on. And Liam with a Louis one. And he feels happy. So he plays his heart out. 

He keeps that energy the whole game, running as fast as he can, and trying his hardest two score, And he does score two goals out of the four they made. And Louis has one assist and one goal. And they win. The whole team goes wild and meets in the middle of the pitch hugging each other. Zayn knew they would win and he couldn't be more happy. He knows that there will be a party back at Niall's place and the whole team will show up. They will most like end up drunk. And he feels so on top of the world right. 

Zayn does get drunk. The party is in full swing now, tons of people crowding around him dancing, and congratulating him on the win and all his goals. And he thinks he hasn't felt this great in quite some time. He feels light. And he dances with all the other people. He isn't thinking about Harry, and he certainly isn't thinking about how he knows that he can't stay mad at Harry much longer.

He doesn't remember much after that. Someone dragging him out the door. Getting into a cab with them. Them fumbling around inside his pocket for the key. And then nothing. All black. And then he wakes up to the sound of Louis trying to open the door. He knows its late, its still dark outside. And his head is screaming in pain. He goes to get up when he sees someone sleeping next to him. Harry. He doesn't even need to see the face to know its Harry. He pushes him.  _Hard_.

"Hey!" Harry yells, holding his hands up in the air. And then Zayn notices what he is wearing. A Zayn shirt. Zayn's number and name. And he feels like vomiting on him. 

"Out!" Zayn yells back. He may still be a little drunk but he knows that this is the right thing to do. Harry hurt him. He can't let him back in this easily. "I said, get the fuck out, Harry!"

"Zayn, you don't mean it." Harry says. Zayn wants to push him again. He does.

"You broke my fucking heart, Harry! You left me! I fucking hate you! You don't get the right to do this! Get the fuck out of my room! Now!" Harry's eyes go wide, and Zayn swears he sees tears run his cheek. But he doesn't care. Can't care. But Harry leaves. And Zayn is thankful. He can hear Louis asking Harry if he is alright, and then he hears the door slam. Louis comes to Zayn immediately.

"Oh, love." He says, hugging Zayn tightly and sitting them both down on the bed. Zayn cries and cries. Cries till he feels as if nothing is left in him, and then he cries some more. Zayn thinks it feels exactly the way it did when Harry first left. All the hurt, loss, and love even. Because Zayn could never hate Harry. Not really. "It was him?"

"It was him."

"How?" And so Zayn explains. Every last bit of it. He cries through whole thing, but Louis doesn't mind. He rubs Zayn back and encourages him to continue. Talking about feels like he is reliving it. And he isn't sure if he likes that someone, other than his mum, knows or not. "You should have told me. I wouldn't have invited him round."

"You guys got on. I didn't want to make you stop being friends with him."

"He was a dick to you. He doesn't deserve to hang out here." Zayn hugs Louis tighter.

"Don't tell the other lads, yeah?"

"Sure." Zayn isn't sure what will happen now. But he is sure Louis will help him through it.

The sun is too bright for Zayn. His eyes burn and he can tell that his voice is rough. Louis isn't in his room anymore. He must've went back to his room last night. But that's okay. Zayn has class anyway. Unfortunately it's one with Harry. But he can't bare the thought of actually getting out of bed. So he stays there, cuddled up under the covers, and looking out the window.

When Zayn finally makes it to class, he is late. Of course he is. He should've got out of bed. And there is only one seat open. And of course it's next to Harry. Zayn swears under his breath and slides into the seat. Harry doesn't even look at him. But Zayn can tell he is upset. And good. Fucking good. Because Harry deserves to feel hurt. Just like he hurt Zayn. But Zayn knows that he could never hurt Harry that way. You can't leave someone who has already left you.

They don't speak the whole class. Zayn is glad. He is sure he would end up crying again. Harry's voice does something to him. So he takes his notes and actually pays attention. But he can feel Harry look at him every now and then and it gets under his skin. He needs this class to be over now. But it still hurts to look at Harry. Because they used to be so close, and then the cord snapped and they were nothing. It fucking  _hurts._ Zayn still wants to talk to him after all this. Wants hear Harry ramble on about pointless things. Run his hands through his hair. But it fucking hurts. And he doesn't know what is right anymore. Just that Harry shouldn't have left him behind. 

And at some point he got lost in all his thoughts and ended up ten minutes behind on the notes. He feels like laughing. But Harry slides his notebook over to him. Zayn isn't sure whether to take it, or pretend that he doesn't see it. But he needs to get good grades in this class. So he takes the notebook and shyly smiles at Harry. Zayn writes the notes down quick and passes it back to Harry. But Harry had been watching him the whole time. With that stupid dreamy look that makes Zayn forget he has knees. And Zayn wants so badly to lean over and kiss him. But he _can't._ Because Harry needs to realize that he messed up. So Zayn looks away and starts taking notes again.

 

He walks back to the flat without calling Liam. They usually call and meet up at the coffee shop. Something they have done since they have been friends. But Zayn thinks that Liam will be okay today by himself. It's snowing and he just wants to get home and rest. Maybe listen to sad tunes and mop around. But his phone rings. And he is a little scared that it might be Harry. It's his mum. Zayn lets out a slow sigh.

"Love, you alright?" He thinks about telling her. But he doesn't. He still can't understand how she always knows when something is wrong. But he loves her even more for it. 

"Been better. You alright?"

"Good, good. Just checking in." He wants to be with her instead of here. And he is sure she knows that. But he tells her anyway. "Christmas isn't too far away, love." He almost forgot that he had made plans to go down and see them this weekend as a surprise. He feels a little better now. "Your dad wanted me to call and say that he misses you." And that makes Zayn want to cry. He can remember the day he left. His dad kept telling him to wait a little longer. Zayn thinks he just wanted to keep home for as long as he could.

"I miss him too."

"We love you."

"Love you guys too."

"I'll let you go now, love." And he hangs up. And he feels a little better than he did earlier. Because there is something about talking to your mum that just makes everything better. Zayn knows that if he ran out of friends, that he could always turn to his mum. And that she would still be his biggest supporter.

He can tell that Louis isn't because the whole flat is quiet when he gets in. He is glad. He doesn't feel like talking. But he thinks singing along to a bunch of Patsy Cline songs will help. All those songs he used to sing at the top of his lungs two years ago. And he is sure that every single song was wrote about him. And he doesn't care if the neighbors are home and can hear him. He doesn't fucking care. He wants to stop feeling all of this fucking hurt.

He thinks it helps. After ten songs and a rougher voice, he feels lighter. Like he can actually think about things other than Harry now. And fuck Harry, anyway. He fucked Zayn over. And Zayn doesn't have time to care for people who don't care about him. So yeah, fuck Harry. Because when has Harry ever thought about Zayn's best interest? Not once. So Zayn sings more songs, and dances around in his boxers. And then he sings and paints. And it's not until he is half way through the painting that he realizes what he was painting. Harry. And it makes him feel sick to his stomach. So he stops painting. Instead he takes a shower and goes to bed.

His phone rings at three in the morning, and at first he thinks it might be Louis telling him that he isn't coming back home tonight, or that he is on his way home and to _'please unlock the door'_. But its an unknown number. He answers anyway. "Hello?" He asks, his voice is rough and he is sure they know that they have woken him up. 

"Zayn," Its Harry. Zayn knows that he should hang up but he can't. He forgot how nice Harry's voice sounded through the phone. So he waits to hear what Harry has to say. "I feel like I have lost you." Zayn wishes so badly that he didn't have to go through this. Because Harry had a choice in this, Zayn never had a choice. Harry did this. "Do I have to scream to make you talk?"

"You have lost me," Zayn says, and it hurts. Because it isn't true. Harry couldn't lose Zayn. Not really. Zayn will always be Harry's.

"Don't say that."

"Harry, we can't do this."

"I just had to hear your voice,"

"Harry-"

"Please, just talk to me, Zayn. I miss you, and I know that I haven't completely lost you yet."

"Harry, you hurt me.  _More_ than hurt me. You set fire to me and never brought water to put it out." 

"Zayn I-" But Zayn hangs up. He can't do this. Not now. And not anytime soon. He can't just let Harry back in so easily. But it feels like Harry is already back in, and he doesn't like it.

  

Niall hosts another party on Friday night. And Zayn is praying that Harry won't show. And so far he hasn't seen him. So he takes shots with Liam and Louis. And then  _Talking Body_  comes on and Zayn feels like he needs to dance. He makes his way to the dance floor, and he has never been a dancer but tonight he doesn't care. It's like he can feel the music in his veins. "I always loved watching you dance." Zayn knows that it is Harry but he feels so alive right now that he just doesn't care. So he dances with Harry. All arms and soon Harry is grinding on Zayn and it takes everything Zayn has in him not to moan Harry's name. 

He can't even think straight _._  Harry is so close to him and he can't remember the last time they danced like this.Zayn really wants to kiss Harry. But he doesn't. Because even though he is drunk he knows that wouldn't be smart. But Harry puts his hands on Zayn's hips and Zayn is so close to losing it. And he can feel his hard on pressing against his zipper. And he moves closer to kiss Harry but then someone is pulling him away. Yelling that he has to come see this. 

"Mate, you have to see this!" Niall has said it at least three times now. Zayn prays that he doesn't notice his hard on. But Niall isn't the type to point it out anyway. So Zayn follows him into the kitchen, leaving Harry behind him. "I made these amazing shots and Louis is going mad!" 

"Zaynie!" Louis cries, pulling Zayn into him. And Zayn is pretty shit faced too so he laughs and hugs Louis right back. "Try this!" And he shoves a shot towards Zayn. Zayn can see Harry standing next to Liam looking at him like he can't stand being this far away. But Zayn avoids him and downs the shot. And Louis is right, they are great.

"Let's have a competition!" Zayn cheers, poking at Louis and giving him the biggest grin ever. "Whoever finishes first wins," 

"How bout winner gets twenty pounds?" 

"Deal!" And Niall fills up twenty shot glasses. And Zayn knows that he is going to win. 

"Go!" Liam says, and Zayn downs the first one in the less than a second. And by the sixth one his throat is on fire but he isn't going to lose. So he pushes through and downs the seventh one and so on. And when he finishes the last one he turns his shot glass upside down and lets out a cheer. 

"And Zayn wins!" Niall cheers, and Louis sulks. "Pay up, Lou!" 

"I don't know how you do it, every fucking time!" 

"Practice," Zayn winks at Louis. But then Harry is stepping forward and telling Niall something. 

"Me next." Harry says, pointing to Zayn. "If I win, you have to kiss me. If you win you get ten pounds." He shoots a wink at Zayn. And Zayn knows that he can't lose. But he also knows that he can't take that much more alcohol. He has to go home tomorrow morning. And he is going to have a horrible hangover. But he can't lose. 

"Go!" Niall cheers. And Zayn goes as fast as he can. But Harry slams his shot glass down when Zayn is on the fourth one. Zayn had forgotten how good Harry was at this. Harry _is_ the one who taught him how to go so fast on them.

"Pay up!" Niall cheers, and Zayn wishes that Niall knew. But he lost and he has to kiss Harry. And he feels sick to his stomach. Harry is walking towards Zayn and Zayn feels dizzy when Harry pulls him closer. And it's like everything else went away. Because all he can focus on is Harry's breath on his lips. And then the feel of Harry's lips against his. And he feels like heaven right now. But then Harry pulls away and Zayn wipes his lips off. And suddenly he feels like he could vomit. So he runs out of the kitchen and up the stairs to the bathroom. He sinks to the floor and bangs his head against the cabinet. 

"Zayn!" It's Louis "Open up," And Zayn unlocks the door and then sinks back to the floor. Louis joins him, and knocks their knees together. "I'm sorry." 

"No," Zayn sighs. 

"I should have stopped it." 

"Harry takes what he wants, Louis. You couldn't have." 

"I could have done something though!" 

"It's okay, yeah? Just sit with me for a minute." Zayn rests his head on Louis' shoulder and he knows that he messed up. He shouldn't have kissed Harry. But he is drunk and can barely think straight. And hopefully in the morning he will have forgotten about this whole mess. So he sits with Louis and forgets about what just happened downstairs and enjoys the silence. 

+++

Zayn knocks on the door. He hasn't been this excited in some time. But he knows that his mum will be happy, thrilled even, to see him. And he thinks he might cry when he sees her. "Zayn?!" Trisha cries. Puts her hands over her mouth and fully cries. Pulls him into her arms and holds him closer than ever. "You're here!"

"I'm here." And Zayn is crying too. He knew he would. Yaser walks to the door too. And Zayn watches as his dad's face breaks into the biggest smile he has ever seen.

"Zayn?" He says in disbelief. He pulls him into a hug and Zayn swears that he cries too. "I missed you."

"I missed you too, dad." Zayn wishes he was here to stay for good. But it's only two days.

"Well come in!" He walks through the door and the smell hits him. He missed how good the house smelled. Like those cubes his mum always melts. He missed everything. "The girls aren't home yet. But they should be tonight." Zayn nods.

"Want some help with the car, dad?" Zayn swears his whole face lights up. And that's make coming here completely worth it, more than worth it.

Zayn and Yaser work on the car all evening and late into the night. Trisha comes out calling them in for dinner and Zayn thinks it feels like he never even left. He couldn't be happier. He rubs the oil off on towel and makes his way back inside.

"Zayn!" Safaa, Doniya and Waliyha all run up him. A complete group hug. And Zayn knows that his mum is probably crying again. All of the kids, her kids, in one house again, he can understand why she would. He feels like he could himself. 

They eat dinner and Zayn laughs the whole time. He tells them all about his classes and football and how much he misses them. And he listen as Doniya talks about her boyfriend and how her online classes are going. Safaa talks about her friends and how much she has missed Zayn. And Waliyha talks about her classes and how she can't wait for Zayn to meet her boyfriend. Zayn feels like he has missed so much, and that he should never stay gone for this long ever again.

Zayn missed this. Missed it so much. Missed the casual banter between Doniya and Safaa. And even his dad telling them to be quiet and eat what's put in front of them. He missed it all. But he missed his mum smiling at them fondly the most. And she looks so proud of all them, and it warms Zayn heart so much. Just knowing that she will always see them like this.

He helps Trisha clean up the kitchen after everyone clears out. They sing quietly together. She washes and he dries. "Tell me." She says, handing him another plate. And he knew it was coming.

"Harry." He says. And he watches as his mum places the plate down in the sink to look at him properly. He prays that she is prepared for what is coming next.

" _Harry?_ "

"Harry." Zayn nods. He doesn't want to do this. He knows his mum still goes to dinner at the Styles' house every week. Her and Anne are still best friends. It was hard enough at first, he doesn't want to go through this again.

"What about Harry?"

"He started hanging out with the lads and then he started coming to our flat. He showed up at my match and wore a shirt with my name and number. But mum, he acted like nothing happened. Like we were okay. And that hurts the most."

"Oh, baby." She places her hand on Zayn's arm. But Zayn doesn't cry. He keeps talking.

"I told him to leave. And I haven't really talked to him since but it feels like two years ago all over again."

"I should've told you. I knew I should've. But I thought that maybe you wouldn't see him again, I'm so sorry, love." And it clicks. Trisha knew. She knew this whole time. But Zayn isn't mad.  _Can't_  be mad.

"It's okay, mum."

"I knew this would happen. I should've known that's why you were calling so much."

"Mum, this isn't your fault. It's Harry's."

"I just wish I could protect you from all of this."

"We all have battles. And I guess this is just one of mine."

"How about a cup a tea and blanket fresh out of the dryer?" And Zayn has never been happier.

They watch movies until Zayn is ready to pass out from exhaustion and then he goes up to his childhood room. Nothing has changed since he left. Zayn hasn't been home much since he left for university, all his pictures are still here. Pictures of him and Harry. Those ones hurt the most. But he doesn't take them down. He never had the heart to. He avoids the pictures for now and gets ready for bed. But someone knocks on his door. "Come in." It's his dad.

"I just wanted to say thank you."

"For what, dad?"

"Helping me with the car. I know it doesn't seem like it sometime but I love you kids more than anything. It was nice to have you home and help me like that."

"I love you too, dad." Zayn thinks his dad is tearing up. Can even hear him sniffling.

"Goodnight, son." And then he is gone. And Zayn is left standing there staring at the door. His dad has never said anything like that to him before. Never been the type to show how he is feeling. And it touched Zayn. And makes him believe that all of this is going to get better and that soon it won't even matter. He'll get over Harry and his heartbreak.

+++

Harry was fifteen when he got into his first fight. Zayn remembers it perfectly. They were walking down the hallway, school had just let out, when someone yelled at Zayn. He turned around but only to hear them yell "go back to your country, piece of shit." And that was it for Harry, he took off in a sprint. He was on the guy in seconds, and it was all fists then. The boy didn't even stand a chance against Harry. Zayn tried to pull him off, but he wouldn't.

"Tell him you're fucking sorry!" Harry spit, punching the boy in the face again. "Now!"

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry!" And then Harry hit him once more. Zayn can remember hearing a crack, and then the boys nose started bleeding. And Zayn just stood there in a trance. Frozen. He had no clue what to even say. But Harry did all of the talking for him.

"Never speak to us again." Harry spit. And after that he was off the boy, pulling Zayn out of the school. Zayn wasn't even sure what to say on the bus ride home. Just sat there and stared at the ground in disbelief.

Once they got home Zayn offered to clean up Harry's knuckles. Zayn figured for once he could be the one who does the cleaning up instead of Harry. They weren't horrible but the could've been better. Zayn didn't like the fact that he was the reason Harry got into a fight. And he knew their parents would be upset as well when the found out that Harry was most likely going to get suspended. "Stop." Harry says.

"Stop what?" Zayn asks, running a cloth gently over Harry's knuckles. And Harry winces a little.

"Worrying about everything."

"It's just what I do."

"I know. But stop."

"You shouldn't have got in a fight for me."

"It was worth it."

"No it wasn't. I'm used to that stuff."

"Zayn, don't ever let anyone talk to you like that. You deserve to be here just as much. You belong here, okay?" And Zayn knows that Harry is right. It wasn't right for that boy to say that. And Zayn does belong here. With Harry.

"OK,"

"I mean it, Zayn. You're better than that shit."

"I know, thank you."

"Don't thank me for doing the right thing." Zayn thought that was it. Harry was the best friend he could've ever asked for. And he thought that it would always be Zayn and Harry versus the world. But it wasn't.

+++

Zayn went home that Sunday. He felt better about the whole thing. And he and his mum already planned out his return for Christmas. He is wore out by the time he gets home and just wants to sleep until tomorrow morning. He is thankful that Louis isn't home now, but he knows that he will just have to get up later tonight and open the door for him. But that's okay. He is used to that. But Louis comes home early that night, and he isn't drunk. He has Zayn's favorite coffee in one hand and movies in the other. Zayn couldn't be more thankful.

They sit on the couch and watch all the movies. And Zayn isn't even bothered by what time it is. He couldn't care less right now. He is with his best mate, who knows exactly how to make him feel better. And Zayn knows that past him wouldn't be thrilled with having someone other than Harry as his best mate, but that's different know. He realizes that. Him and Louis might not have as much history as he did with Harry, but Louis knows what do to fix Zayn. And Zayn is happy with Louis as his best mate. Fuck Harry.

"How did the weekend go?"

"It was great. Helped dad with the car mostly, but it was just what I needed."

"Feeling better now?"

"Much."

"Good, can't have my best mate mopping around anymore. And no more of those sad love songs. If I have to hear one more Patsy Cline song I might shoot you."

"Hey, when you get your heartbroken, you'll understand. Patsy heals man." 

"Yeah, okay." Zayn really wants to pull out the records and talk Louis through them, tell him how this is the only way he got through the first few months without Harry. Sang along so many times that soon the heartbreak was just a dull ache. And now he can listen to them on the tube and it barely hurts at all. But Zayn knows that its only something you understand when you are in the situation. It was Doniya who got him started on Patsy. She was going through a breakup and that's all she ever listened to, it drove Zayn crazy. But a few years later when Harry left, he remembered all of those songs. And just like that, he was in Doniya's shoes.

 

He doesn't see Harry again. Weeks pass by and he never comes in contact with him. He makes sure to sit in the back of their shared class just to be sure. And it goes by so fast that Zayn forgets he is supposed to be sad. He goes to more of Niall's parties, gets shit faced with Liam, and stumbles home drunk with Louis and together they both struggle to unlock the door. Life simply carries on. Without Harry. Just like it did before. And before Zayn knows it, its almost Christmas break. Their flat is decorated cheaply, but he think it'll do. They have tree that they cut down themselves. Even decorated it, and Zayn thinks it looks pretty good for the both of them. They play Christmas songs and get drunk off cheap eggnog. And Zayn is just so happy.

But then they go to another party and he sees Harry. Talking some boy who is definitely wishing he was upstairs with Harry. And Zayn feels sick to his stomach. And he knows that it is stupid to get jealous. Harry isn't his. So he tries to avoid it, but then they start making out and Zayn knows that he won't make it much longer. So he spots a guy in the corner who has been eyeing him all night. They make out for awhile and Zayn never even asks what his name, but he pulls him up the stairs and into a back bedroom. The guy works fast and before Zayn has time to catch his breath from all the kissing, the guy is going down on him. And when Zayn comes inside his mouth all he can think of is Harry. How this guy has nothing on Harry, and probably never will. But he returns the favor anyway and then makes his way back downstairs where he sees Harry on his own now. And he makes eye contact with Zayn. He doesn't look happy. And Zayn tries to himself that he doesn't care, so he pushes it down. He dances with Liam and Louis, but soon they start grinding. So then he dances with Niall. Niall who keeps saying that Harry looks lonely. And then he is pushing Zayn towards Harry. And Zayn kind of wants to punch Niall in the face.

"Hey?" Harry says. Zayn wishes so badly that he would have stayed home tonight. Not been here.

"Hi," He doesn't even have anything else to say to Harry. He just sucked a guy off over jealously. And of course he can't admit that to Harry. But he can see the anger in Harry's face. And he knows that Harry is going to say something soon.

"So, who was the lucky guy?" And there it is.

"Uh," Because Zayn doesn't even know the guys name. And he is sure that Harry knows that.

"Right, just as I thought."

"So fucking what, Harry? Big deal I don't his goddamn name!" Zayn is so mad at Harry, because he has no right to do this shit to Zayn. Not really.

"Because I fucking care about you, Zayn!"

"No, say what you _really_ want to say, Harry."

"Because I love you, okay? Is that what you fucking want? For me to feel like shit for everything I have done to you? Because I do! And I still fucking love you!"

"I have to go," Zayn didn't expect Harry to say that, not at all. And its suddenly too much for him to even be near Harry. And he finds Louis and lets him know that he is taking a taxi home. And he doesn't dare show any emotion. Not until he is in the taxi. And then, he lets the tears fall.

 

He goes out for coffee with Liam the next day as always. And he doesn't think about Harry or how upset he looked last night. Instead he talks to Liam about Liam. And how he is dong. "Any improvement?" 

"I told him that I liked him last night," Liam sighs, and Zayn can see a blush creeping up to his cheeks. It takes everything in Zayn not to smile. "and he said that he likes me too." Zayn is so happy for Liam, he really is. But he can't help the twist of jealousy in his stomach. 

"I told you he would!" 

"I know, its just hard to tell someone! But we made plans for a date this weekend, so we'll see how it all goes." And then they finish their coffees and make their separate ways. But Zayn still can't make the feeling go away. Because he should be going on dates too. But he is too caught up on Harry to do that. And he fucking  _hates_ that. Because Harry does whatever he wants. And Zayn is stuck in the same spot he has always been in. And it isn't fucking fair. 

Harry calls again, when he is walking home from the coffee shop.  Zayn doesn't answer this time. He can't. He wants this all to go away, but he always wants Harry. And he is just so confused about what to do. But he knows that it was smart of him not to answer it. But even though he doesn't answer he wonders what Harry thinks of all of this. If he misses Zayn like Zayn misses him. If he misses the feeling of their lips connecting. Or the feeling of Zayn being all around him. Or coming so hard that he blacks out. Because Zayn misses it all.  _Misses Harry._ As much as he shouldn't, he does. 

So he spends his free time listening to Patsy Cline and any other sad song he can get his hands on. And Zayn goes to practice that evening and tries his hardest. Putting his all into doing good. He gets a few assists and that makes him rather happy. But he still can't get Harry out of his mind. Before it was so much easier to just think about Harry. He wasn't around, so it wasn't like Zayn ever really had a chance. But now he is back. And Zayn, some part of him, believes that there will always be a chance for them.

And he goes home, not even bothering to shower, just plopping down on the bed. And he looks around his room, wishing that he had some actual picture of Harry. Not just a box full of paintings. So he does the stupidest thing he could do. He calls Harry.

"Zayn?" Harry sounds like he just woke up, and it makes Zayn stomach flip.

"Hi,"

"Hi," He knows that Harry is smiling, and that his dimples are probably showing too. And Zayn wishes he were there to see them.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, I just," Zayn can't get the words out. Because does Harry actually miss him too? But he says it anyway. "I just miss you."

"I thought you?"

"I miss you, okay? That's all I'm saying."

"I miss you, Zayn."

"Then why have you done all this?" Zayn waits for Harry to reply. But he goes quiet. And for a minute Zayn thinks he is going to have to hang up. But then Harry speaks again.

"Things happened, Zayn. And I just had to go,"

"That's it?"

"That's it. For now." And Zayn listen as Harry lets out a slow sigh. He doesn't have anything else to say, so he stays there on the phone. Listening to Harry breathe, and he slowly falls asleep.

 

Zayn wakes up the next morning with his phone still beside his head. And he clicks on the home button. Harry is still on the line. He doesn't even remember falling asleep last night. But he doesn't want to think back on the things he said, because calling Harry up was a stupid idea and he knew it was the minute he had dialed Harry's number, but he had done it anyway.

But he has a figure drawing class he needs to attend, so he pushes it all into the of his mind and ends the call. He thinks it would be for the best if he forgot about Harry completely today. Zayn thinks he needs to get serious about his art again. Stop painting so much of Harry.

So he slips his jeans on, and his winter coat, and then his boots, and makes his way to class. He feels happy walking there. There are carolers singing in front of the bookstore, and the snowing is piling up. Zayn just feels genuinely happy. 

The model today is an older man. Zayn thinks he looks like someone you would see in a magazine, most likely on the cover. And Zayn draws him with soft lines and light shading, and he is actually quite proud of himself for it. He always struggled with liking his art. But when he came here, it all just kind of clicked into place. And he realized that maybe his mum and Harry weren't wrong at all.

He was halfway through his first when he decided that he wanted to be an artist. The plan had been to become a teacher. And maybe stay in London permanently. But he had signed up for a painting class, and brought a painting to coffee one day. And Louis and Liam went mad over it. Kept going on and on about how good Zayn was. And that's when he realized that he really did like he own art.

"Very lovely detail, Mr. Malik." Sherry, the teacher, says patting him on the shoulder. And it feels like a win to Zayn.

And when the email comes to his phone that his other class is canceled, that feels like another win. So at the end of class, he packs everything into his bag, shoving a beanie on his head, and putting his coat back, he makes his way to the coffee shop. And Liam is sitting there waiting on him, like always.

 "Good mood?" Liam asks, shoving a coffee at Zayn. And Zayn takes a drink before answering.

"Only had one class today," Zayn smiles at Liam. And Zayn can tell that Liam is extra happy today too. "You?"

Liam blushes. "He kissed me. And I know you are going to say that we always kiss. But this was different. He wasn't joking. It was a proper kiss, Zayn."

"Liam this is great! I am so happy for you!" And Zayn forgot where they were for a second, and remembers when he sees other glaring at him.

"Has he said anything about me?"

And Zayn has to think hard on it, but then he remembers the text. " _i really fucking like him, Z."_  

Liam blushes harder. "God, Zayn. I've got it bad." Zayn knows exactly how Liam is feeling right now. But he doesn't say anything. Because Zayn gets that even when other people feel the same as you, it doesn't help all too much.

Zayn gets it though. How it feels, like your heart is on fire, and then it spreads to your lungs, and then you know you have it bad.

"Oi! I forgot to mention, Harry wanted me to give this to you!" Liam unzips his backpack and pulls out a bracelet.

It clicks into Zayn's brain what it is the moment he sees it. Harry used to wear that bracelet everyday when they were younger. And Zayn would play with it when they were holding hands. Twisting it around Harry's wrist. He feels his heart beating in his throat.

"He said it belonged to, that you left it behind?"

"Oh, yeah, thanks, Liam!" And Zayn actually puts it on. But then he feels like an idiot.

Like he is trying so hard to hold on to something that was never really ever his. And never will be. But he has no intention of loosening his grips. No matter what he says, no matter if he has convinced Harry that he actually hates him. Zayn still has a death grip on Harry.

 

Zayn is at home, dancing in the living room in his pants. Singing to the top of his lungs with Patsy. But he can hear Louis yelling at someone, and suddenly he isn't having so much fun anymore.

"Lou?" He shouts, and then Louis stepping out of his room holding up a finger, telling Zayn to wait.

"No, Liam. He can't come. Because I said so. End of." Zayn is sure this is over Harry. And it makes him feel ill. But then he hears his phone buzz from the couch.

_Harry: Our parents are arguing._

Zayn doesn't reply.

_Harry: Wearing the bracelet?_

Zayn doesn't reply to that either. Because Louis is trying to so hard to keep Zayn happy right now. Telling Liam that they can bring Harry wherever they are going. And Zayn doesn't want all this fighting to be for nothing.

"Let's not talk about it, let's just get ready for the game, yeah?" And Zayn just nods and then goes to his room to gather his things.

 

They lose the game. He can tell how mad Louis is. Stomping around the locker room. Slamming his locker. And Zayn feels bad about it. Because he could have played better. But he kept running his fingers over the bracelet. And then he would lose track of the game. And miss every shot he got. He wishes Louis would punch him. But he wouldn't. Instead he storms of without even saying goodbye to Zayn.

But then Harry meets him in the parking lot after he leaves the locker room. Zayn knows that he will have to talk to him now.

"You played great." 

"Harry, stop lying. I played like shit. Why are you here anyway?"

Zayn watches as Harry keeps glancing at his wrist. And Zayn knows that he is looking at the bracelet. Zayn kind of wishes that he wouldn't have put it on when Liam first gave it to him. But suddenly his fingers are moving to his wrist and he is twisting the bracelet. And Harry is smiling at him like an idiot.  

"I wish it didn't have to be like this between us, Zayn. I am trying, you know?" Zayn almost chokes. 

"Trying? Please, Harry. You pretend like nothing is wrong between us. You are the one to blame for all of this, not me. Remember that the next time I don't seem so thrilled to talk to you." 

"I know I did this." Harry looks defeated. And Zayn wants to pretend like he doesn't care. But he does. Cares so much that it burns up his insides, and he is screaming for someone to bring water, but no one does. "I fuck up a lot."

"We all do, Harry. But this was different, you can't even explain yourself. I was so stupid to believe all that shit you told when we fucked in my room. You didn't mean any of it, and I get that now. You never mean anything." Harry looks like he wants to say something. But he just sighs and walks away from Zayn. Zayn walks to the bus stop in silence, and allows his words to hang in the air. Because unlike Harry, he meant them. 

 

He goes Christmas shopping with Liam and Niall three days later. He buys everyone gifts. For his mum, he gets her a nice necklace he found on discount. For his dad, he gets him a picture frame and puts of picture of them in it. For Waliyha, he gets her a gift card to her favorite store. For Safaa, he gets her a sketch pad and some nice pencils. Doniya gets the best one in his opinion, he got her some Patsy Cline records, he knows she will love them. He gets stumped for a while on what to buy Louis, but he ends up going with some new sweaters, because that's what he loves. Liam's is quite nice too, he gets him a membership to the gym, because its all Liam has been talking about recently. And for Niall he gets him some awesome records to play at his parties. At the end of the day he is quite pleased with all of the things he got everyone.

Five days till Christmas. One day until he gets to go back home. And he is buzzing. He misses them so much already. And he has decided that he needs to go back more often. He doesn't like being away from them this long, and he knows that they don't like it much either. Being home makes him happier. He can't wait to curl up by the fire with a cup of tea and listen to his sisters sing along to the Christmas songs. And he misses Bradford during the Christmas time too. The town lit up with fairy lights and the tree set up in the middle of town. He misses it all.

The lads have their own gift opening party. Niall and Liam come round to Louis and Zayn's flat. They sit next to the tree while Christmas music plays softly in the background. Niall opens his first, he laughs at them and thanks everyone for them, Liam and Louis do the same. Zayn, well, he is overwhelmed with it all. Knowing that he has all these amazing that love him through everything, and that he can always count on them. Niall got him some new trainers, and Zayn loves them. Louis got Zayn a new canvas and all new paint, Zayn couldn't be more happy. Liam got him a movie and some new pajama bottoms, but the movie is Zayn's favorite. Donnie Darko, and he hasn't watched in so long. But the copy doesn't look new. It looks old, and it even has the same marks that his old did. And then he stops.

"I had some help with that one." Liam says. And he knows that Harry gave it to Liam. "Harry thought you might like it." And he remembers that it went missing the same time that Harry did. They used to watch it together all the time. Sitting on Zayn's bed late at night. It had always been Zayn's favorite. And maybe even Harry's too. 

"Thanks, Liam. It's actually my favorite." Zayn doesn't let show. But Louis knows. And he just can't believe Harry would do something like this. Actually, he can. And it makes him mad all over again. Louis keeps looking at Zayn, but Zayn can't bring himself to actually look back. Zayn can't believe that Harry kept after all this time, or that he even remembered. It makes him wonder if Harry kept the picture also, just like Zayn did. But he can't think about that now. Not while the lads are here.

"Well I think we all got great gifts this years!" Niall cheers. And Zayn half-heartedly agrees.

For the rest of the night they drink and sing Christmas songs together. And Zayn completely forgets about the DVD and Harry all together. Soon they are drunk and Niall keeps telling everyone how much he loves them . And Zayn feels happy. He dances with Liam and play fights with Louis. It's a good night. He may still be desperately in love with Harry, but he feels happy now. Surrounded by people who he calls his best mates. And tomorrow he goes home to his wonderful family. And he is happy.

Zayn wakes up early the next morning. He has a killer hangover. But he knows it will get better. He'll help his dad with the car, and help his mum in the kitchen. And everything will be great. But for now he just has to get through the crowded train ride. And there happens to be only one seat left, and it happens to be the seat next to him. And of course Harry walks on the train last minute. Harry has no choice but to sit next to Zayn.

"Hey," Harry says. Zayn just nods. Their shoulders and knees are touching, and Zayn feels like he is on fire. It has been so long since he has been this close to Harry. And he knows, he fucking knows, that he should be at Harry, and he is. But all he wants to do is curl up against him and share warmth. He doesn't. "This will be a longer ride if you don't talk to me." So he does.

"Thanks for the DVD. I thought I had lost it."

"Yeah, sorry about that. I kind of took it with me."

"I didn't think you would even remember."

"Why do you think that I wouldn't remember things about you?" He can see the hurt in Harry's eyes. But he thinks the answer is obvious.

"Because you don't care." And Harry stares at him for a beat.

"Zayn, you can't think that." Harry looks so hurt, but this is nothing compared to what Zayn has been feeling for the past two years.

"You dropped me so easily."

"Zayn, I cared for you more than you could have ever known. I still care, Zayn. Hate me all you want but don't think that I never cared."

"I don't hate you."

"But you said-"

"I know what I said. I was mad, fuck, I am still mad. But I don't hate you, Harry. You should know that." Harry's face softens. And Zayn wishes that things were different. Wishes he wasn't in this situation, but he is. And no matter how hard he tries, he can't stop loving Harry.

"I just thought that maybe things changed."

"No." Zayn says, and then he wishes he never would've said it. Because now Harry knows. Knows that Zayn is still insanely in love with him, even after all this time. But Harry doesn't say anything, he just pinches Zayn's thigh. And smiles. Because he may know that this is a bad idea, and that he probably shouldn't do this, but he loves Harry too much to stay mad at him forever. So he pinches him back. Harry's whole face lights up and then he rests his head on Zayn's shoulder. Zayn knows he shouldn't let Harry do this, but he wants it, so he just rests his head on Harry's. And that's the last thing he remembers.

+++

Zayn was sixteen when he realized it. It's not like he hadn't felt something before. But was now able to put his finger on exactly what it was. He remembers it perfectly. Harry had just come in from the rain. He was soaking wet and had just wanted to hang out. Harry stripped down to his boxers, and Zayn felt his breath get caught in his throat. He couldn't stop staring at the trail of hair growing on Harry's stomach. Or the shape of Harry's hips and his bulge through his boxers. And it's all too much for Zayn. 

"I'll be back in a second." Zayn says. Because he can't handle this. Wanting Harry this much. So he paces the hallway for a little bit, and listens as Doniya sings along to Patsy Cline. He paces the halls for three whole songs. And then he knows that he is finally ready to go back in and see Harry. "I'm bac-" But he stops. Harry sprawled out on Zayn's bed, boxers only still, and is sound asleep. Zayn's heart skips a beat. And he realizes then.

After all of these years. Zayn gets it now. Zayn is completely and totally in love with Harry. And it has been so obvious this whole time. Harry has always been there to pick up all those broken pieces and piece them back together. Harry has always been the one. Zayn thinks he might even be his one and only. And he feels weak in his knees, but he is happy. He loves Harry.

So he gets in bed and curls his body against Harry, just like they always do. But it feels different now. All he wants to do know is to kiss Harry. But he doesn't. He falls asleep to the sound of Harry breathing. And he thinks that everything is perfect and he never wants to lose Harry. Because he loves Harry. He fucking loves Harry. And he has never felt better.

+++

Harry is still asleep on Zayn's shoulder when they get there. Zayn shakes him lightly. And watches as Harry slowly wakes up and rubs his eyes. "Here already?"

"You slept the whole time." Zayn laughs. Harry scowls.

"Not my fault you have a comfortable shoulder. We should take a taxi back together." Zayn knows that he should say no. Get away from Harry. Because Harry hurt him, hurt him bad. But he's Harry. And Zayn has never been good at telling Harry no.

"I guess." Zayn sighs.

"You're still mad?"

"Yeah." And that's all Zayn says for the rest of the way off the train.

They get a taxi pretty easily. And Zayn is surprised. There are so many people here, but Harry has a way of pushing to the front and getting what he wants. Zayn can't wait to go home and drink some of his mum's tea. And maybe even listen to his sisters talk about their boy troubles. But Harry keeps pinching Zayn thigh trying to make him look at him. So he does. And Harry is frowning. Zayn knows it's because of the comment he made earlier. But oh well, he thinks. "Come to my place first? No one is home yet." And Zayn should have known this was coming.

"Alright." He says. But he hasn't really thought this out. Zayn hasn't been alone with Harry in two years. And he isn't sure if he can even handle it. But before he knows it they are at Harry's door. He could just turn around and walk back to his house, but Harry is pulling him through the door and then shutting it behind him.

"Sit." Harry points to the couch. And Zayn does. Harry sits next to him.

"Harry," Zayn starts, but he doesn't get to finish because Harry's lips are smashing against his. And he goes along with it. It feels like nothing has even changed between them, feels the same way it did two years ago. Zayn still has shivers running down his spine. And it feels like he can actually breathe for the first time since Harry left.

"Don't talk." Harry says. And he is sliding his hands down Zayn and unbuttoning his jeans. Zayn feels like he might die of a heart attack. Harry pulls his jeans and boxers down in one go. And Zayn sucks in a sharp breath. Harry wraps his hand along Zayn's length and his hands are so warm that Zayn thinks he might cry. And then Harry's mouth is on him, warm and soft, taking him in completely. And Zayn watches as Harry slides his hand in his own pants and then he is completely gone. He can't even open his eyes now. Zayn moans Harry's name over and over, and Harry runs his tongue over Zayn's tip. He wonders if Harry jerked himself to the thought of Zayn when he was gone. And Zayn can imagine him in an empty room with no clothes on, gently stroking himself and then getting faster. And Zayn is so close, so fucking close. And Harry must know it too, because now he is pumping faster and taking Zayn in as much as he can.

"Harry I'm-" And that's it. He comes. Softly moaning Harry's name, and he is sure that Harry is too because he is moaning around Zayn.

"So." Harry says, pulling Zayn's jeans and boxers back up. He even buttons them. And pulls Harry on top of him. Snuggling close to him, and resting his head on Harry's chest. "I missed you."

"Yeah?"

"Of course." Harry is running his fingers through Zayn's hair and Zayn wants to stay here forever. With Harry. But he knows that forever isn't that long.

"I missed you, too."

"Really? I didn't think you would, you know with the whole being mad thing."

"Trust me. I missed you. I listened to Patsy Cline for a whole year."

"You really did?" Harry laughs. Zayn thinks that Harry must remember Doniya listening to her all the time too. "I assume it helped?"

"Of course, Patsy knows what she's doing."

"That she does."

"Why'd you come back?" It's not the question he wants to ask. But he knows that he isn't ready to know the answer to that one.

"Can't stay gone forever." And that's all he says about it. Zayn just nods, pulling Harry closer to him. It wasn't the answer he was hoping for but it will do. Harry is here now, and Zayn is okay with that.

Zayn goes home an hour later. And he is so ready to see his mum that he hugs her the moment she opens the door. "Oh, goodness," She hugs him back.

"I'm glad to be back." He sighs once they step inside. And everyone else runs to greet him. His dad waits till last.

"Good to see you," He says, pulling Zayn in for a hug.

"You too, dad."

"Are you hungry?" His mum asks. He is sure that she cooked for him.

"Starving!"

"Good! I just made you some lunch!" She leads him into the kitchen and of course she made his favorite.

 

He eats it all. He didn't even realize just how hungry he was. And when he is done he is just up to go up to his room when the phone rings. His mum is the one to answer. And a look of confusion spreads across her face. "It's for you, love." And she hands the phone out for Zayn.

"Hello?"

"Hey." It's Harry.

"Need something?"

"That's not the tone you had earlier when I sucking you off." Zayn chokes.

"Really?"

"Okay," Harry resigns. "no one is home still. They got stuck in traffic, and I was just thinking that maybe you would want to come over and stay? It'd be like old times."

"I've only been home for an hour."

"I know, but I don't want to waste anymore time with you."

"Give me ten minutes, yeah?"

"Okay." And then he hangs up.

"Explain." His mum says. Crossing her arms over her chest and giving Zayn that look.

"We had to sit together on the train and he just wants things to get back like they were before. You know, best mates and all." Trisha strides towards him and he thinks that she is mad. But she pulls him into her and wraps her arms around him tightly.

"You be careful, baby." She whispers. And Zayn loves her so much.

Zayn thinks that this is moving far too fast. Harry hasn't even given him a reason as to why he left. But Zayn knows that he can't stay away from Harry. Not really. He tried, he really did, but he just can't. And if it goes wrong, well, then it wasn't meant to be. At least he can always go back to Patsy. She hasn't done him wrong thus far. His heart beats faster the moment he reaches Harry's door. And he is sure that his mum is watching him from the window. So he knocks. And then Harry is there. He changed clothes and maybe even took a shower. Zayn wants to kiss him again. He doesn't. "That was less than ten minutes."

"Yeah, well,"

"Just come in, yeah?" So he does. This time he takes it all in. It still smells the same as it did two years ago. There is new furniture, but it mostly looks the same. The same pictures. There are still a few of Zayn and Harry. It makes Zayn's heart hurt. He wishes things were as simple as they used to be. Before all of this. "Alright?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just thinking."

"About what?"

"How much you hurt me. And how you still haven't said that you're sorry, or the fact that you still haven't told me why you left."

"Zayn-"

"Save it, Harry."

"Zayn, I'm sorry, okay?"

"Are you? Why just start showing up everywhere? Hanging out with my friends and acting like everything is alright between us? Do you think a blow job will fix all of this between us?"

"Of course I don't, Zayn! But I don't know how to fix it! I know that I fucked up, okay? The biggest fuck up of my life! And I can't fucking fix it!"

"You can, though." Zayn whispers. And Harry takes steps towards Zayn and rests his forehead against his.

"Tell me how?" And Zayn wants so badly to not feel this way. Knows that the right thing would be to leave and forget about Harry. And he is crazy for not. But he kisses him.

"This is how you start to fix it."

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, and I know that I can't say it enough. But just stay with me, yeah?" Zayn kisses him again.

"Okay." He says.

 

Zayn goes home the next morning before Harry's family gets back. He still isn't ready to see Anne again just yet. He is sure that she remembers that day as perfectly as he does. But his mum is waiting for him when he opens the door and she has a blankets a two cups of tea on the table next to her. And Zayn knows that she wants to talk. So Zayn sits down next to her and shares the blanket and sips his tea. "Everything alright?"

"I think he's back for good, Mum."

"Oh, love. I knew he would come back to you! But you just have to promise me, Zayn, that you will be careful this time. I can't watch you hurt like that again."

"I'm not sure I can hurt like that again." But he is hoping against all odds that Harry is actually here to stay this time. For good. And that maybe things will get better. He doesn't have all the answer still, but he thinks this will do for now.

And he spends the next day with Waliyha and Harry. They walk around Bradford. And Zayn is so happy to see the whole town decorated for Christmas. Harry laces their fingers together. And thinks that this is perfect. He watches as Waliyha send him a wink and he laughs a little. But Harry never catches. So he keeps walking and looking at everything in awe. 

+++

Christmas comes too soon for Zayn's liking. He wants to spend more time with his family. But tomorrow is his last day here. So he spends the morning helping his mum cook all the food. He helps his dad make sure all the presents are under the tree. And he helps the girls with their last minute presents. And he is just going to take a shower when he hears a knock on his window. It's Harry. So he opens it. "It's late." Is the first thing Zayn says to him.

"I know. I know. But I won't get to see you tomorrow and I wanted to have my own Christmas with you."

"I'm flattered, now come in."

"Your room is the same." Harry smiles and spins around in a circle, taking in all the pictures of them.

"Yeah,"

"I like it."

"I like you."

"You're not too bad yourself," Zayn tackles Harry and they land on the bed with a thud. And Zayn's mouth is on Harry's in seconds. "Okay, okay." Harry puts his hands on Zayn's chest and gives a light shove. "I have something for you."

"Harry-"

"No, just open it, yeah?" Zayn carefully rips the package open. But he is a little surprised by what is inside. It's letters. Some of them look old. Some a little newer. "I wrote to you. Every second I was away from you. It's all there."

"Harry this is - thank you." Zayn kisses Harry slowly. Like its the first time all over again. "God, Harry. I love you, fuck do I love you."

"I love you." Harry kisses him again. Its the first time he has heard those words in over two years. And he heart is jumping out of his chest. And Zayn knows that when he is older he will still fall as hard for Harry. Because Harry is beautiful. And Zayn has never felt more connected with anyone in his life.

"I have something for you too." Zayn reaches over and pulls something off his nightstand and hands it to Harry. "It's not perfect. And it's not as special as yours was. But I tried."

"I'm sure it's perfect, Zayn." So Harry opens it. And Zayn has never wanted to kiss him more in his life. "You kept this? After everything?"

"Course I did. Haven't you got it by now? I have been in love with you since we were sixteen, I never stopped loving you. No matter how much I wanted to forget about you the way I thought you did me, I couldn't. I couldn't throw all these things away. All these pictures of us. And I could never throw away this drawing." It was Harry, laid out on the front lawn with the sun shining down on him at the perfect angle. It looked like Zayn had taken a picture. Harry had always loved it, it was his favorite. A reminder of how much Zayn loved him.

"This is better than mine." Zayn doesn't think so. But he kisses Harry anyway. And he thinks he could do this the rest of his life and never get tired of it. Because he loves Harry. He fucking loves Harry so much. He kisses him a little longer and then rests his head on Harry's chest. "I don't deserve you."

"You're wrong," And Zayn kisses him again. Because he needs Harry to know that he does deserve Zayn. No matter how much hurt he has caused Zayn, he came back to fix it. And Zayn thinks they both deserve each other. "Don't say things like that. I don't want to be with anyone else, yeah? It's you, alright? We belong here. Together."

 

Zayn wakes up the next morning to find Harry gone. He must've left early this morning to get back home before his mum woke. Zayn is okay with it, because he will get to see Harry all he wants tomorrow on their way home. "Zayn?" His mum knocks lightly on his door. "We're to open presents, love."

"Coming!" And he follows her down the stairs where he sees all the girls sitting around the tree looking excited.

"Took you long enough!" Safaa cries.

"You can open yours first, love." His mum tells Safaa and then she doesn't care how long it took Zayn to get there. She tears through them so quickly and Zayn misses being that young. Being excited over everything. He is glad she got to go first.

"Zayn!" She gasps once she opens his gift. Her eyes light up so brightly and Zayn wants to hug her as tight as he can. "Thank you! Thank you so much! I'm almost out of room in my other one! This is perfect!" She runs to Zayn and wraps her arms around his waist.

"I thought you might be." He says, kissing the top of her head. She thanks him more and then they move on to Waliyha.

Waliyha gets the new iPhone and some cases to go with it from their mum. Their dad got her some Mac eyeshadow palettes she has been begging for. Zayn knows that his isn't as good as theirs but he is still pretty happy with it. And so is Waliyha. "Thank you so much, Zayn! They have a new sweater that I have been dying to get! This is perfect!" She hugs him as well.

Doniya goes next. She mostly gets household appliances for her new flat. She gets a few phones cases from the girls, and some lipstick. But when she gets to Zayn's she freezes once she unwraps it. Zayn is scared that she hates it for a minute but the she looks up at him with tears in her eyes. "You remembered?"

"You're the one who got me hooked on her," Zayn smiles at her. The other girls look confused. Zayn figured that they are too young to really remember it. But Zayn could never forget. "Just a way of saying thank you."

"No, thank you. This is my favorite gift, Zayn. It means a lot." Zayn is proud that she says that. He usually is shit at gift giving but this year he did good.

His parents go next. His mum opens his present first. Her eyes well with tears. And Zayn thinks it's quiet funny because he got it on discount, but he is glad she likes it. "Put it on me?" She asks him. Zayn does, and he is happy that he did so good with her. He worried she would laugh at it because of how cheap it is. But she acts as if Zayn spent a million pounds on it and he loves her for that.

His dad opens Zayn's presents last. And Zayn is sure that he will love it. Yaser unwraps it so gently and slowly, like he knows it will be something special. And his face when he sees it is the best part of it all. "Zayn," And Zayn thinks that he could have got him a million different things but he is quite happy with the one he got. "thank you." Yaser is a little speechless. But Zayn didn't forget about what he said that night. "This has always been one of my favorites." Zayn's mum still has tears in her eyes. And Zayn thinks he couldn't be happier than he is right now. Everything is falling back into place.

Zayn spends the rest of the day watching Christmas movies with his sisters. He wonders how Harry is doing. But he also wonders what is going to happen now. Will they go back to uni and tell people? Zayn isn't sure if he can keep Harry a secret. Not sure if he could stand the fact that people wouldn't know. Not sure he could go through that again. But the thing is, he actually thinks that Harry has changed this time around. That Harry can actually stay with him now. And maybe things will get back to how they used to be. Harry can hang out with the lads, and stay in Zayn's bed. And in the mornings they can have coffee and tea together and walk to their classes. Just like Zayn used to imagine them doing. They can be happy. Together.

 

The next morning is sad. He knows that he has to leave the moment he wakes. And he isn't happy about that. But he gets out of bed anyway and puts on some fresh clothes. He goes downstairs to find his mum cooking breakfast, and he is thankful for her. Zayn sits at the table next Doniya who is quietly humming to herself. He knows that its a Patsy Cline song and his best guess is  _Crazy_. "Are you all packed up, love?" His mum asks.

"Packed up last night before I went to bed."

"Do you need a ride there?"

"I, uh, no. Harry and I are going together."

"You're talking to Harry again?" Waliyha asks.

"Yeah."

"Good, I missed you guys being friends." Waliyha smiles at him. Safaa smiles a little too, but Zayn thinks that she is mostly too young to remember how close Harry and him were. But she does remember Harry. Harry who would always play with her and take her for aeroplane rides around the lounge.

"Don't forget to say goodbye to your dad." His mum says, after they have all finished eating. He nods and makes his way out to the garage. His dad is bent down picking something up off the floor, and Zayn wishes that he could stay longer and help his dad more.

"I'm leaving, dad." He says. And wow, he really should get a prize for the best goodbye.

"It was good having you back, Zayn. Don't stay gone too long, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Well, come here." And his dad holds his arms open for a hug. "I'll miss you, you know that?"

"I'll miss you too, dad." And then he is walking across the street to Harry's house. Anne opens the door when he knocks and she looks a little shocked, but not for too long. She brings Zayn into a big hug. And Zayn had forgotten how much he loved her.

"Oh, how I have missed you!" She kisses his cheek and he smiles up at her.

"I miss you too, and Merry Christmas, even though it's a little late."

"At least you are here now!" She says, and for good measure, hugs him again.

"Is Harry ready?" He watches as her expression turns from excitement to confusion. And Zayn can feel his stomach drop to the floor. Because this is exactly the way it happened the first time. And he definitely isn't ready for news like that again. So he braces himself for the words that come next. Because he knows. He fucking  _knows._

"Oh, um," She peeks her head behind the door, and then returns her attention back to Zayn. "He is, actually." And Zayn breathes again.

"I'm here! I just overslept a little!" Harry says, popping up behind Anne. Zayn wants to kiss his face all over for scaring him like that. "See ya, mum!"

They are close to being late for their train, with only two minutes to spare. They are running through the station as fast as they can, their winter coats flapping behind them and their hair blowing like crazy. Zayn looks over at Harry and he wishes that he had a camera at this moment. Harry laughing and running like a madman. He has never been more in love with him than now. Zayn adverts his attention forward again at the right time, he almost collides with a bystander. But he keeps running. And finally they are there. Winded and exhausted, but they made it. And they are overjoyed to find that there are tons of seats left. The train is almost completely empty. The choose two seats in the back.

Zayn is still a little scared. He still isn't sure what will happen when they get back. But Harry has his fingers laced through Zayn's. And that makes Zayn hopeful a little. So he holds Harry's hand a little tighter.

+++

"Zayn!" Louis yells running up to him and Zayn is about to run towards him but Harry pulls hard on his hand. "And Harry?"

"And Harry." Zayn laughs. But he lets go of Harry's hand and pulls Louis in for a hug. "Missed you."

"Awe, Zayn!" Louis teases him. "No, I missed you as well, love." And as they pull away Louis shoots Zayn a look as if to say  _'you'll explain later.'_

"Good to see you, Louis," Harry says, sticking his hand out for Louis to shake. Louis nods. And Zayn knows that he is mad at Harry still. Zayn can't really blame him.

"Is Patsy well?" Louis asks, bumping shoulders with Zayn.

"Wouldn't know at the moment." Zayn smiles.

"Good to hear! Now let's get you two home!"

Harry decides to stay with Zayn. Zayn is thankful. Thankful for so many things. But the most being that Harry isn't keeping them a secret. Hopefully he won't know how Patsy is doing for awhile.

"I think I could kiss you for the rest of my life," Harry says. Straddling Zayn's hips, with his hair flopping into his face. So Zayn kisses him again, and again. And Zayn's thinks Harry is on to something. Because he could kiss Harry forever too.

"Then do it," Zayn flips them over. And kisses Harry all the way down to his collar bone. But Zayn can't get it out of his head. Why. Why. Why. Why would Harry come back? So he asks.

"I told you, can't stay gone forever."

"No," Zayn says, shifting off Harry and sitting in the bed beside him. "the real reason."

"I need you." And Zayn thinks he can hear the desperation in Harry's voice. So he believes him. And he kisses him again. And again. Until their lips are burning. And until Zayn thinks that Harry is the only person that really matters. Because he is.

 

Weeks pass by, and soon everyone knows about Zayn and Harry. And they become Zayn and Harry again. Just like old times. Harry joins Liam and Zayn for coffee after class. Harry comes over every weekend for movie night. And Harry even gets on with Louis again. And Zayn thinks that it can't get better than this. Harry shows up to every football match and Zayn swears that Harry is the loudest in the crowd and he always looks for his face before the game starts. But he favorite is when he makes a goal and points to Harry in the crowd. 

"Boyfriend?" Zayn says. Harry just called him his boyfriend. And Zayn can't believe his ears. This is the first time Harry has ever said those words.

"Well, yeah." Harry wraps his arms around Zayn's waist and kisses his neck softly.

"You've never said that?"

"I thought it was just known,"

"Apparently not," Zayn kisses Harry. "but it is now. Let the whole world know!"

"They already do," Harry giggles.  _"you're_  the last to know."

"What else have you been keeping from me?" Zayn laughs, tickling Harry's sides.

"That I think you might be the love of my life?" And Zayn freezes. Harry has never said this. And Zayn doesn't even know what to say. Because of course he feels the same. So he just kisses him.

"You think?" Zayn finally says.

"I know, actually."

"Good, because I know too. And I might die if you didn't feel the same."

"How did I get this lucky?"

"I think I should be asking that." Zayn says. Because even through all this hurt Harry caused, Zayn still loves him through it all.

"Oh, not true. After all of this, you still love me. How?"

"How could I not? Harry, you are the most important person to me. You always have been, and will never stop. I would go through hell and even further than that for you. All this hurt, is nothing compared to what I feel for you. I feel lucky to even be a friend of yours, let alone your boyfriend. I am the lucky one."

"Zayn-"

"Don't deny it, yeah?"

"I fucking love you." And Harry kisses him some more. And Zayn knows that this is the way they will be spending the rest of the night. Zayn slides his hands down Harry's stomach and rests his hand on Harry's belt. And Harry lets out a moan as Zayn's hand brushes his bulge. "Fuck, Zayn. I need you." Zayn pulls Harry's jeans and boxers down fast and his follow. And before Zayn even has time to think he is pulling the lube out of his nightstand and squirting it all over his fingers. Harry sucks in sharp breath and nods at Zayn. Zayn slides his finger into Harry and Harry all but screams. And he slowly pulls back and adds another finger, and then again. "Shit I- Zayn you have to stop." Zayn pulls out quickly and Harry whimpers. 

"Are you sure?" Zayn asks as he rubs lube on his length. And Harry gives a quick nod. Zayn slides in slowly. It's been awhile since Zayn has done this, and he is a little nervous. But this is Harry. The first person he actually did it with. So he pushes his nerves down and fucks Harry into the bed. 

"Shit, you're better than I remember." Harry pants. And Zayn has had a few years to practice. Harry reaches down to his own dick and strokes quickly. Moaning Zayn's name over and over. Zayn wonders how many other people have touched Harry like this and it makes him feel sick, so he fucks Harry harder.

"Yeah?" Zayn asks, and then he trusts into Harry hard. And Harry lets out a moan that half sounds like Zayn and half like Jesus. So he does it again. And again. "Fucking, love you." And Zayn keeps thrusting harder into Harry, with Harry's legs over Zayn's shoulder. And he watches as Harry strokes himself quickly and he knows that he won't last much longer. So he goes faster. Until it feels so good it hurts. 

"Zayn-" And then Harry comes all over his stomach and Zayn keeps thrusting into him. And Zayn follows suit and comes inside Harry with a few moans. 

 

Zayn realizes that when they were younger Harry was never really his. They never stated what they were. But he also realizes that he was  _always_  Harry's. Even if he never stated it. Zayn is sure that he has been Harry's since the beginning of time. And maybe even before that. He can feel it, deep down, every time he looks at Harry. Or every time their lips connect. Zayn just  _knows_.

And Zayn thought, he actually thought, that this time, Harry was his too. But reality hits him hard, for the second time now. He knows the moment he wakes that Harry isn't there. There are no curls tickling his face and no breath hitting his neck. So he runs to Liam's flat, because just  _maybe_ will be there. "No, sorry. He hasn't been here." Liam says. And Zayn knows what has happened. The same thing. Again.

"Let me know if you hear from him, yeah?" But Zayn knows he won't. He has called Harry a total of twenty times now. And not a single answer. Zayn can't bring himself to cry yet, though. Because there are still a few places that Harry could be. And Zayn is going to check every one of them. He won't let it be real until it has to be.

"Have you seen Harry here today?"

"No, sorry. Haven't seen him since yesterday." He gets it at every place he goes. And soon there is only one left. Zayn can feel it sinking in now. But he stops before he gets there. He remembers that he and Harry had made plans not long ago to go see their families this weekend. This weekend is tomorrow. So he calls Anne. Because maybe, just maybe Harry went home a little early.

"Oh, Zayn," And Zayn knows that he doesn't even need to go to the next place. Anne told him in two words. So he hangs up. He cries.  _Finally_  cries. He cries when he walks into the liquor store, where he buys three bottles of vodka. And he cries his whole way home. Where Louis is waiting for him on the couch, because Louis knows. And he holds his arms out for Zayn.

"I thought that he was here for good this time, Lou. He said so many things. But you know as torn up as I am right now, I am glad that I felt something. Most people never find something like that. And I know that he loved me back. I know it, Louis. I could feel it in his touch and kiss. There is not doubt in my mind that he did. I may not find something like that again, the sparks when we touched or the way just the thought of him makes me get shivers, but at least I felt it now. At least I had a taste of it." 

"You're going to need help drinking all this." Louis says. So Zayn hands a bottle to Louis and takes one for himself. He downs more than half of it within five minutes of holding it.

"He's fucking gone." But Louis isn't listening. He is rustling around in the record basket and then he is walking over to the record player. And then Zayn hears the start of Crazy. And suddenly he knows how Patsy is doing again.

+++

It was late afternoon when Zayn woke. His skin was sticky with sweat and his eyes were heavy. He reached out for Harry, but he wasn't there. He should've known that moment that something was wrong. Harry never left without saying goodbye. But Zayn didn't think anything of it. He went on with his day like always. He ate breakfast with his sisters. Helped his mum around the house. But then he started to worry at night. Harry hadn't called. And it was very unlike him. So he walked over to Harry's house.

"Is Harry in?" Winter was in full swing, and Zayn was freezing on their front porch. But Anne didn't ask him to come in. She gave him a look. And Zayn knew something was wrong then.

"Oh, love." She said. "Harry didn't tell you?"

"No, I don't think he did."

"He left, Zayn. He isn't coming back." And Zayn vomited. He actually vomited on the Styles' front porch. And Anne looked so upset for him. She got a glass over water and washed it all in between the cracks. And then Zayn left. He wasn't even sure what to do now. He first thought was to call and tell him all about it, but that is not an option this time. 

He walked through his front door and there it was. Their box of records. And on the very top was Patsy Cline. Zayn remembered all times he heard Doniya  
listening to her and thinking how miserable you would have to be to listen to those songs on repeat. But he picked them up and hauled them to his room. The first song that played was Crazy. And he knew then that Patsy would be a permanent fixture in his life.

The weeks dragged on and on for Zayn. He felt helpless and fucking miserable. But the more he sang the less it hurt. Or so he liked to believe. And he sang along as loud as he could to all those songs until he only felt a little ache when he heard them. But he still opened that wound every time. And maybe he was crazy for loving Harry so blindly. But he knows that if he went back in time now that he wouldn't change a damn thing.  _Couldn't._ Harry was still worth it to him. No matter how much he hurt Zayn, Harry was always fucking worth it. And Zayn couldn't figure out why. But he was. So he accepted it with time. Accepted that he wouldn't go to university with his best mate. And that he would never love anyone the way he loved Harry. But at least he had Patsy by his side.

But Zayn never noticed any signs. Harry had still held him as tight. Still held Zayn's hand when driving. And still kissed him just as hard. There were no signs. But Zayn wishes that there would have been. Maybe then he could have stopped it, or at least prepared for it. But he knows that it still would have hurt just as bad. 

It's funny to him, in a not so funny way. He still had hope that Harry would come back to him. Even though Anne had said it, Zayn was holding on to it. Holding on to  _Harry._ The first few days were a blur. He remembers talking to Anne, and then coming home and finding the record. But then he can't focus on things properly. His mum found him on the floor the first day. She had just walked in the door, hands full of bags, and there was Zayn, sitting on the floor sobbing his heart out. She did the thing any mother would do. She dropped the bags and joined Zayn on the floor. "He'll come back to you, love." And she held him in her arms. Zayn thinks that he couldn't ask for a better mum. But it still hurts. 

"He doesn't love me, mum." He cried. And Trisha had just barely made out the words. But she held him tighter and shook her head. 

"Don't say that, love. He does. But people have got to find themselves sometimes," 

"What if he doesn't come back?" 

"Then we drink tea, sing along to Patsy, and forget him too." She kissed his head softly. Zayn knew that her heart was breaking with his. "But he will." 

"How do you know?" 

"Because I know how crazy he is about you, just find yourself while he is finding himself." And so Zayn picked himself up off the floor.  And he and his mum sang along to Patsy Cline for the rest of the evening. And it was the first time that Zayn had laughed since that morning. Zayn knows that she  _is_ the best mum. 

One thing he can remember is waking up in the night and reaching out for Harry. But he was never there. And the pain would creep back in every time. And he remembers sitting up at night wondering if Harry was thinking about him. Or if he reached out for Zayn like Zayn reached out him. Only to find him not there. Zayn couldn't let the wound heal. He would always stay awake at night. Wondering what Harry was doing and if he thought of Zayn. Or the reasons he left. He remembers the pain in his chest as he cried himself to sleep every night. And the one thing Zayn will never forget are Harry's last words. They aren't romantic, or the perfect words. But they have scribed themselves into Zayn's brain. And he thinks he might as well have it tattooed on him. 

"Do you love me?" Zayn had asked. 

"Fuck yeah." 

+++

Zayn is sick. He could feel it in his bones. With every breath he took. He was sick. And it isn't the kind of sick that medicine can fix. The kind that happens when your heart is ripped out. Beat. And then burned.

And all he can think about is how much he wants to hear Harry talking to him. But he shouldn't. And he wants to feel Harry's lips against his. But he shouldn't. And he stays in bed, staring at the ceiling. And how much he wants to go home to his mum. Because when your heart gets broken you want to go back to your roots.

And he cries in the shower, sinking to his knees, balling his hands in his hair and pulling as hard as he can. Water burning his back, because he feels dirty. But no matter how many showers he takes, he can't wash it off. He watches the water race down the drain, and almost wishes he could do it too. But he sits on the floor until the water runs cold, and he sits there a little longer, because he can't find a reason to actually get up.

And when he does get out, he puts on Harry's sweater. Because it gives him some false hope that Harry is all around him. But he isn't. Zayn cries more when he turns on the record player, and Patsy sings to him. And if you listened closely you could hear his heart crack a little more with each note.

He misses classes, and lectures, and all his coffee meetings with Liam for a straight week. He can't bring himself to actually leave the building. Because he will have to go to a class that he and Harry shared, only to find Harry not there. And here he can imagine Harry curling his body to his, whispering in his ear how much he loves Zayn. But out there he has to face it. And Zayn is not ready for that.

Zayn decides to read the letters. He has some sort of hope that Harry said something in them that will impact Zayn. But so far it's just about things he has been doing while he was away. And Zayn can imagine him in each place he talks about. Imagines Harry walking into  _Daily Records_ and flipping through crates and smiling at everyone he sees. Maybe even flirting with a few of the people there. And he thinks its all going to be like this, but then he gets to the next letter and he can feel the heat drain from his body. 

_"Zayn, I have done something horrible. I have done a lot of horrible things but this one really caught up to me. I thought that I could move on from you if I tried hard enough. So I left. Because you have this light Zayn. And I know that you can't see it, but Jesus, it blinds me. It burns so bright, and I know that you could be anything you want to be. But have this passion about painting, and you really come alive when you do it. But all you want to paint now is me. Me me me. And you can do better than that, Zayn. I am just going to drag you down with me. I don't have that light, I'm not good at things like you are. It's like you were giving me everything you had. And even more than that. I am sure you would say that you don't care, but Zayn, you deserve someone who will give you the world. And I'm just not that person. I love you, but I have nothing to give you. So I had to leave. But that isn't what is wrong._

_I met someone last night, and now I can't even remember his name. But he was there, and he was flirting with me and kept asking me to go back to his place. And I thought, this is it, this is how I move on. So I went back with him. But when he kissed me I knew it wasn't the way to move on. His kisses were too rough and there was nothing behind it. And when he fucked me into the mattress, all I could think about was_ **_you._ ** _Because he wasn't you. And it feel like it did with you. He didn't kiss my shoulder tenderly, and he didn't intertwine our fingers. He was quick and rough. And it hit me then that I_ **_can't_ ** _get over you. Because you aren't the kind of person that people move on from. You are the one that they love their whole lives. Even if they get married and buy that house on the hill, when they kiss their partner goodnight it is you their are thinking of. Because you are not a bruise Zayn, you are a scar. Something I will keep the rest of my life, and maybe in a few years I will be able to look at it without getting sad like I do now. And maybe I will even smile when I think about it. But I know that I will still love you. But please, don't keep loving me. Move on, Zayn. I know you can. Be happy."_

It kind of feels like all of the air has been sucked out Zayn's lungs. Because Harry really did care, and he probably still does. And Zayn knows that there is some truth in what Harry wrote. Zayn wouldn't care if Harry didn't have anything to give him. But the thing is, Harry did have something to give Zayn. Harry gave Zayn his love. Zayn knows that. But Harry couldn't see that. And Zayn thinks that it's unfair that Harry didn't stick around and explain all of this. Because Zayn could have solved every single one of these problems. But some people have to find themselves. And maybe after Harry does that he will come back to Zayn. But he left again. And this time there isn't a letter to explain. There isn't anything. So he walks to his lectures half dead every day, and half smiles at everyone who talks to him. And then he joins Liam for their daily coffee. And he tries, he  _really_ tries to move on. Not because Harry asked it of him, but because he thinks it is the right thing.

"Mate, you have to stop this." Louis says. And Zayn just frowns at him. "Get up! I'll even make you something to eat! Just  _please,_ do something other than stare at the wall all day." 

"Okay, okay." So he gets up and makes his way to the bathroom. And he takes extra long in the shower, making sure to wash his hair twice, and scrub his body down three times. He quietly hums to himself, and tries not to think about all of those letters sitting out there. One of the only things Harry left behind. But it useless. So he cuts the shower off and gets out. Wrapping a towel around his waist and making his way back to his room. He smiles when he gets there. Louis washed Harry's sweater and laid in on his bed for him. So he puts it back on. And then a pair of loose joggers. 

"So, cooking didn't work out. But I ordered Chinese, so," Louis smiles and holds out a box to Zayn. 

"Any food is good." Zayn takes the box from Louis' hand and sits down at the bar.

This time is different than the last. Nothing is a blur. And Zayn can't really tell if he likes it or not. Because the first time it was all pain. And it went by in such a blur that he can barely remember his mum even finding him on the floor. But this time he can feel it all and isn't blurry at all. Harry is gone. And Zayn feels it ten times worse. 

 

He marathons shows on  _Netflix_ he would never dream of watching. He finds himself crying over Jason Street and falling a little in love with Tim Riggins. And he tries to dance all the sadness out of him. But nothing is helping. Its been two weeks and he can't even tell his mum about yet. Because he is still hoping that maybe Harry will come back. Zayn is so desperately in love with Harry  _fucking_ Styles. And he has no clue what to do. He thought the first time hurt, but it cannot compare to this. This is worse than no one bringing water. This is like he doesn't even have anything anymore. And he knows that it is pathetic to let someone control his life this much. But its Harry. And Harry has a way of wedging himself into every corner of Zayn's heart and then burning it all down. And despite Zayn knowing that he will do it, he lets him back in every time. 

He dives head first into his art. He stops drawing the sad pictures of Harry. Instead he draws everything else. He draws Louis first and then Liam and Niall. He draws the flowers outside their flat. Anything but Harry. Because he had too many canvases with Harry on them. They were everywhere. And it hurt him to look at them. So anything but Harry is perfect. Louis complained about all the paintings of Harry. "We should get rid of these." 

"Just throw them away?"

"Yeah, I mean we could take them down to the dumpster. If you want?" 

"Okay, sure." And Zayn knows it will be for the best. So they gather them all up and take a trip down to the dumpster. 

"You throw the first one in?" Zayn nods. And he throws the first one in. And then Louis tosses the ones he has in. And Zayn feels like he is losing more of Harry. But he throws his in too. Because Harry is moving on. And Zayn needs to move on too. 

"Zayn?" It's his mum. And he feels like he could cry already. But he doesn't. 

"Hey, Mum." And he knows that she can tell now. 

"Oh, love." He wishes so badly that he was with her right now. Watching horrible movies on the couch and crying. "He left?" 

"He left." Zayn isn't even sure what else he should say. But he remembers what she said the first time. "Maybe he still has to find himself, yeah?" 

"Maybe, but Zayn?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Just remember that you can always come home." 

"Course." 

He starts running with Liam. Two miles every morning. And it does make him feel a little better. Gives him something to focus on. And going to practice helps too. He tries hard to get another hat trick but he can't. But Louis is better than ever. Scoring and assisting so many goals that Zayn has lost count. And Zayn hopes that Louis will end up going pro. Because Louis could actually do it. 

"I don't know, mate." He says every time Zayn brings it up. But Zayn thinks he can see Louis starting to shift towards actually trying. And Zayn would love to see something good happen for once. So he helps Louis as much as he can. And Louis helps Zayn too. Just not with football. 

"So, I know it's only been three weeks. But, I want you to come out with me tonight." 

"Louis-" 

"Don't say no. Liam and Niall are coming, you'll have tons of fun!" 

"Okay, I'll come." So he drags himself off the couch making sure to pause his episode of  _Friday Night Lights_  and goes to take a shower. 

"There's the Zayn I know!" Louis cheers. And Zayn shakes his head. 

"Let's just go," Zayn huffs. Because he doesn't actually want to go out. But he knows that he will get shitfaced. And most likely end up crying over Harry. 

"Liam and Niall are meeting us there, so we better get going. You know how Niall gets when he has to wait." 

"Yeah, yeah." They take a cab. And Zayn sulks and looks out the window. 

"I'm sorry, Zayn." And Zayn can hear the hurt in Louis' voice. "Maybe if I wouldn't have had him round this wouldn't have happened." 

"Louis, it wasn't your fault. It couldn't be. It has always been Harry's. And mine. But never yours." Zayn looks over at Louis, and Louis looks so hurt. 

"Do you think he felt the same way about you?" 

"I do, yeah. And not just because he said it. But I could feel it, Louis. It radiated off him. I think in the end he got just as burnt up as me, but you know. That kind of love is the best. When you feel it all. Every single word. But he just has something's to work on." 

"Do you think he still loves you?" 

"Fuck yeah." And Zayn smiles a little. 

"Would you still take him back?" 

"Always." And that's the last thing they say in the cab. 

" _Finally_!" Niall cries when they walk in "First round is on me!" 

Twenty minutes later and Zayn is completely shitfaced. One round turned into ten rounds. And someone is sitting next to him at the bar, smiling slyly at him. And the guy is actually nice looking. Wearing a Chelsea shirt and some dark skinny jeans. "Maybe you should slow down." They say. And Zayn can tell that they are drunk too. 

"And why is that?" Zayn slurs. 

"Wouldn't want you to forget the best night of your life." Zayn knows that this guy is proper hitting on him. And he fucking  _loves_  it. 

"Right." Zayn nods. And he gets out of his seat and stands between the guys legs. "Are you going to kiss me or not?" Because Zayn wants to forget Harry tonight. Maybe fuck all of the heartbreak away. So he kisses him, just like he would Harry. And he slides his hands into the guys hair. And Zayn knows that this guy is his now. "Bathroom." Zayn growls and pulls the guy out of his seat. And Zayn's heart is beating in sync with the bass in the club. And he feels alive right now. So he shoves the guy into the bathroom stall and quickly undoes his belt and flings his jeans down to his ankles. 

"You don't want-" 

"Hush," Zayn says. And he sinks to his knees and takes the guy into his mouth. And the guy shoves his fingers into Zayn's hair and pulls tightly. Zayn moans around him and he knows that this guy won't last much longer. 

"Shit!" The guys cries and thrust hard into Zayn's mouth causing Zayn to choke a little. But he takes it like a pro. And he knows it is driving the guy mad. So he takes him as deep as he can. And then pulls back running his tongue of the tip and pumping his wrist quickly. "I'm-" And then the guy comes. And Zayn swallows every drop of it and then pulls the guys jeans back up. "That was- wow." And Zayn leaves. Because he doesn't want to talk to this guy anymore now. And he is barely even hard himself so it won't be hard to hide it. And this guy isn't Harry. 

"Hey, mate! Alright?" Niall asks. He swings his arm around Zayn's shoulder and Zayn is overwhelmed with the smell of alcohol on Niall's breath. 

"Alright, yeah." Zayn smiles and ruffles Niall's hair. "Another round?" 

"Yeah!" Niall cheers and drags Zayn towards the bar. But Zayn feels sick to his stomach. Because all he wants is Harry. But he shuts his feelings down and follows Niall to the bar. And smiles when Niall hands him a pint. "Why don't you come crash at mine tonight?" 

"Yeah, okay." Zayn says. Because he could use some time away from his own room. 

"Liam and I are heading out!" Louis says, walking up behind Zayn. "You good?" 

"Yeah, yeah. I think I'll just go home with Niall tonight." 

"Alright, just text me later, yeah?" 

"Yeah. See ya, mate." Zayn knows that Louis is worried about him. And he knows that he is very fucking lucky to have a friend like Louis. But he still wishes that Louis didn't look at him like he was broken. 

"You ready?" Niall shouts over the music. 

"Yeah, let's get out of here." 

"You okay, Zayn?" Niall asks once they are in the cab.

"Fine, yeah." 

"You don't seem like it." Zayn thinks they are both far too drunk to have this conversation.

"I'm not. But I will be." 

"If it helps I am sorry for what he did to you."

"Thanks." 

"At least you know that he is okay, though." 

"What do you mean?" 

"The picture he sent?" Zayn can feel his stomach drop to his feet. And he regrets taking all of those shots. And he wishes he would have stayed home and cried over _Friday Night Lights._

"Oh, yeah." 

"You didn't get it did you? Shit, Zayn. I'm sorry."

"What was it?" 

"He was at some beach." Niall shrugs a little. "He sent it through email." 

"Oh," And it's all that Zayn can bring himself to say. But he pulls his phone out of his pocket and goes to check his email.  _Empty._

"I'm sorry, mate." 

"It's okay, Niall. You didn't know." 

"You deserve better than that, you know?" Zayn has heard it a million times over the years. But he can never bring himself to believe it. Because he thinks Harry is meant to be the one for him. And that they both deserve each other. So he just nods. 

"Can you show me the picture?" 

"Yeah, sure." Niall pulls it up on his phone and hands it to Zayn. Zayn takes it all in slowly. The sun shining brightly in the background. And he can see a wave crashing on the beach. And Harry. Who still looks so perfect in the bright sun. His hair pulled back into a bun. And his smile as bright as the sun. And Zayn misses him. He looks at it a second longer and then hands it back to Niall. 

"Thank you." 

"It's the least I could do, Zayn." 

"I miss him." Zayn sighs. 

"I am sure he misses you more." 

"Yeah?"

"Yeah! Zayn, you are the best person, how could he not? He doesn't even realize what he gave up!" 

"He should miss me!" 

"There ya go!" 

 

Zayn wakes up to the sun shining on his face. And he feels like shit. His head is pounding and he can still taste the alcohol in his mouth. But he gets off the couch anyway and makes his way to the kitchen. Some coffee would do him good. But he can't get past the pictures stuck on Niall's refrigerator. He has so many. But there is one that catches Zayn's attention the most. It's of him and Harry. And he had no clue that anyone has even taken a picture. But Harry is standing behind him with his arms wrapped around Zayn. And Zayn is looking back at him smiling. And Harry is smiling back. They look so happy and it makes Zayn feels sick. But he can't help looking at it.

"You want it?" Zayn jumps a little. "You can have it." 

"You sure?" Niall nods at him. So Zayn pulls it off and looks at it a little longer. 

And when Zayn gets back to his flat he sticks on his mirror. Right next to the picture of him and Waliyha. It makes him wonder if Harry took the pictures of them with him. If he hangs them on the mirror like Zayn does. Or maybe folds them up and puts them in his pocket. Maybe he pulls them out at night and thinks of Zayn. Or maybe he threw them in the trash. Zayn can't figure out which one would be worse. Harry hurting as much as Zayn does. Or Harry not caring at all. 

"Hey!" Louis is suddenly in the room, and he is smiling at Zayn. 

"Hey, Lou," Zayn says, turning away from the picture. 

"I'm heading out, just thought I would let you know." 

"Alright, have fun, mate." 

"Call me if you need anything, yeah?" 

"Yeah, sure." And Louis is gone again. And Zayn waits until he hears the front door shuts. And then he makes his way to the record player and starts to play some Patsy Cline. He sits on the floor, right next to the speaker. And he sings until his throat hurts. But it isn't helping right now. Because he misses Harry. And he just wants to hear his voice. So he pulls his phone out of his pocket and dials Harry's number. And he doesn't expect Harry to answer. But his heart stops when someone picks up the phone. 

"Harry?" 

"Yeah," And he can hear Harry sigh. And it is the best thing he has heard in weeks. 

"I miss you," He can't think of anything else to say. But he hears someone in the background talking to Harry. And his heart hurts.

"I know." 

"Why?" And then Harry hangs up. And Zayn thinks calling him was the biggest mistake in his life. He wishes he would have just continued singing. Zayn shouldn't have been surprised to hear someone in the background. Because Harry makes friends everywhere he goes. Everyone loves Harry. But still hurts. He wants Harry here, with him. Talking to him about everything. And kissing him. But Harry is off somewhere else, working on finding himself. And Zayn thinks that he can wait the rest of his life Harry. 

+++

Zayn wakes up to the smell of pancakes and fresh coffee. And he is sure that he has the biggest smile on his face. He can hear his phone vibrating somewhere next to him so he reaches out for it. His fingers are freezing the moment they leave the protection of his blanket. But he picks it up anyway and smiles bigger when he sees who is calling. "Didn't think you would be up this early."

"Couldn't help it, missed you too much." And Zayn smiles even bigger.

"Well," And he sighs. "it's Christmas."

"That it is."

"I wish you could be here with me,"

"Maybe next year, yeah? Or maybe I can come up for New Years?"

"New Years is even better."

"New Years it is then," And Zayn knows that he is smiling too.

"Honey!" And suddenly his mum is in the room, smiling at him. "Oh, is that Danni?"

Zayn met Danni at the end of his second year. But Danni was different than Harry. He was sweeter, always told Zayn how he felt and never left Zayn. And Zayn knows that even though Danni loves him so much, he will not compare to Harry. And yeah that upsets Zayn. But he has to move forward. On to different things. On from Harry. Harry who never called Zayn again. And Harry who is still in pictures in Zayn's childhood bedroom. Because let's be real, Zayn could never get rid of Harry completely.

Danni let Zayn know from the start that he liked him. But Zayn was a little on the fence. His heart was still hung on Harry. And he still felt an ache when Patsy came on. But Danni was there. And Zayn knew it would be for the best to at least try. So he did. They went on small dates and Danni even showed up for coffee sometimes. The more Zayn was around him, the more he liked him. And one day they just kissed. It didn't feel like it did with Harry, but it was nice. And Zayn thought that he could live with nice. So they became official shortly after. They spent the whole summer together. Going to beaches and kissing under the shade. And Zayn liked it. Danni showed up to the football matches when summer ended and cheered for Zayn as loud as he could. And Zayn smiled up at him every time. And even though he was happy with Danni, he still listened to Patsy Cline when he was home alone. And every now and then he would find himself crying over Harry. Because he can't seem to rid himself of Harry. Harry is a constant in his life, even when he isn't around.

"Yeah, I'll be down in a second, okay?" 

"I guess this is goodbye," Danni sighs a little. 

"Only till later, love." 

"Till later, then." And then they hang up. But Zayn is still smiling the whole time he gets out of bed and puts his clothes on. Because he is proper happy now. 

"Ready, love?" His mum asks when he makes it down the stairs. His mum decided it would be best if they went to the store early Christmas morning. Why? Zayn can't really figure that part out. She says something like it will be less crowded. And that is good enough for Zayn.

"Yeah," And then they are out the door. And Zayn wishes he would have put on a long sleeved shirt instead of his short sleeved one. Because even though he has a coat on, he is still freezing. But this will have to do. The store isn't even that far away. 

"You get the bread and I'll get the cake, yeah?" Zayn asks once they get to the store. And his mum gives a brief nod and then is off on her way to get the bread. Zayn still has his stupidly large smile on from earlier, and he figures it won't hurt him to shoot Danni a text. But the moment he looks down he sees them. Light brown colored boots. And he knows who is in front of him. He doesn't talk at first, he pretends like he didn't even notice actually. He types out the text and presses send, making sure to smile. And then he looks up. 

"Zayn?" Harry says it slow. Like he can't believe his eyes. And it's stupid, really. He is looking at Zayn like he is a completely different person. But Zayn has changed all that much. Longer hair. Some facial hair. That's about it really. 

"Yeah?" And there isn't a hint of emotion in his voice. 

"How have you been?" Harry winced at his words. And Zayn feels like laughing. 

"Great, you?" 

"It's been alright. Just home for the Holidays, yeah."

"Same, yeah." 

"Would you fancy hanging out, maybe? Like New Years or something?" 

"Maybe." Zayn shrugs. But he fully intends on showing up with Danni. Flaunting him around. Because Zayn has someone new. Someone who won't leave him. "But just one question, yeah?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Did you find it?"

"Find what?" 

"Yourself." And Zayn knows that Harry isn't picking up what he means. So he grabs the cake nearest to him and turns to leave. Not once looking back to see if Harry is watching him. 

 

"Zayn, why did you get plain cake?" Safaa asks when they are eating. And Zayn almost laughs.

"I thought it would be better," He shrugs. 

"Who cares what kind of cake it is! Just hurry up so we can open presents!" Waliyha cries. And Zayn smiles at her. 

They spend the rest of the day watching classic Christmas films on TV. And Zayn's mum makes everyone hot chocolate. Yaser makes a fire, and they sing a few Christmas songs together. And Zayn and the girls complain about the ugly sweaters their grandma gets them every year, while Yaser and Trisha tell them to hush and be thankful that they get anything. And Zayn wishes that the day could last longer. Because here, he forgets about how fucked everything is. He just spends time with his family, laughing, and feeling free. Safaa beats them all at Clue, and Doniya and Waliyha cry that she cheated, but Zayn just laughs. Doniya puts on her records and they have a dance party, and Waliyha dances with Zayn the most. And it really hits Zayn then how fast they are all growing up. So he holds her a little closer while they dance. The girls leave soon after that, going to friends houses to open presents, and Yaser goes upstairs to take a nap, and then its just Zayn and his mum left. 

"So, Danni is coming down for New Years. Is that okay?" 

"Oh, love, of course it is!" 

"He's really nice, Mum." 

"Zayn, let me ask you this, are you happy?" 

"I mean, yeah." 

"Danni makes you happy?" 

"As much as he can, yeah." 

"But?" 

"But you know, it's always Harry." 

"Always Harry. Love, I know how you feel about that boy." 

"You know, I can forget about him when Danni makes me laugh and everything is fine. But when he kisses me, Mum. It's not like it was with Harry. And after all this part of me, the biggest part, keeps thinking that he will come back for me." 

"And if he does?" 

"I would take him back." 

"After everything?" 

"Yeah, after everything." 

 

Zayn goes to sleep after his sister get back that night and show him all their presents. And he has never felt more tired in his life. But just as he closes his eyes, he hears it. The sound of a pebble hitting his window. He tries, so hard, to ignore it. But more keep hitting the window. So, sadly, he drags himself out of the bed and walks to his window. And there is Harry. Zayn is sure that it would have been  _so_ much smarter if he would've ignored it and never went to the window. But here he is. Looking down at Harry, who has an extremely large grin on his face. 

"Are fucking insane?"

"I was bored!" 

"So you come here?" 

"Well, yeah? Come down?" 

"Harry- oh god, alright." Zayn puts on a pair of boots and slowly makes his way down stairs. Because Harry will always get his way. 

"Going somewhere?" It's Waliyha. Zayn nearly screams when she speaks.

"Just out for some air," Zayn shrugs his shoulders.

"Mhm, sure." And then she walks past Zayn and up the stairs.

"Jesus, it took you long enough!" Harry says once Zayn steps out the door.

"Oh, piss off." He gives Harry a light shrug.

"Up for a walk?"

"Nah, what about the tree house?" So they go to the tree house in Zayn's backyard. Harry climbing up first, like he always did. And Zayn feels like he is sixteen all over again. 

"I haven't been here in ages." 

"Yeah," Zayn sighs. And he looks around at everything with wide eyes. His pictures are still hanging up. And the crappy blanket that they had bought at a drugstore is still in the corner. Nothing has changed. 

"I miss this."

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah, I mean, you don't? We were so close back then. I fucked us up, yeah?"

"You did, yeah." Zayn isn't sure what Harry really wants him to say. Zayn isn't even sure he has anything  _to_ say. So he sits and waits for Harry to say something again. But he doesn't. So they stay there on their backs staring at the ceiling. Harry interlaces his fingers with Zayn's. And Zayn lets him. And they stay there together.

+++

During Zayn's first year at university he learned a lot. About others and also himself. The first half he spent in a coffee shop reading sad books on losing the person you love. That's where he meet Liam. Liam wasn't the type to take no for an answer, so he would sit with Zayn everyday after class. Then Louis showed up with Liam one day, and Zayn got on well with Louis also. And soon they were going to parties together, which is how he met Niall. And then he took a step back and realized that he made new friends. Friends who weren't Harry. Friends who made him laugh and forget about all the hurt for a little bit. His first lesson was that it gets better with time.

His second lesson was easily learned. He was found in his room crying over Patsy Cline songs by Louis. And Louis never asked him to explain why he was crying. Just sit on the floor with him and sang along to the songs like he did it everyday. And he never missed a best. He held Zayn's hand and they stood up and danced around the room. And then Louis called up the other lads and they had their first movie night ever. Louis never looked at him differently after seeing Zayn a complete mess. He treated him like he always had, but asked him how he was a little more. Zayn's lesson this time was that there are good people in the world. People he can trust.

His third lesson was perhaps one he had always known. It was a late night and he was sitting around thinking of everything him and Harry could have been. It had been a year and the ache was still there. And he pressed on it from time to time. But it always hurt. Always felt fresh. And that is when he realized that he will always miss Harry. No matter how much time passes. Harry will always be missed by Zayn. But that wasn't his lesson. It was that he will always love Harry. Even if there are others, he will always love Harry the most. Compare each touch and each kiss they give him to Harry's. And that they will always dull in comparison to how Harry's touch felt.

+++

 Zayn calls Louis whilst waiting at the train station. Because he hasn't seen him in almost a week. And Louis always cheers him up. 

"Zaynie!" Louis cries. And Zayn smiles. 

"How's it going, Lou?" 

"Great, mate! You won't believe how nice Liam's family is! I think his mum is already planning the wedding," Zayn lets out a laugh. 

"Just make sure she knows to put me down as best man," 

"I'll be sure to! Danni coming down, yeah?"

"Waiting for him right now,"

"Well get off the phone with me, dick head!" 

"Alright, Lou, bye."

"Bye, love. Be sure to give him tons of blowjobs with your whole in the same house!" And Zayn hangs up. Not just because of Louis' comment, but also because Danni is standing in front of him.

"Hey there, stranger," Zayn's whole face lights up. Danni is finally here. And Zayn kisses him right in the middle of the train station. And he doesn't care. 

"I missed you," Zayn kisses him again. "hope you're ready to meet my family." 

"Ready as I'll ever be," Zayn laces their hands together. But Zayn thinks there is something off. Danni seems a little on edge. But Zayn pushes it away. Danni is probably just nervous about meeting Zayn's family. So he lets it go. But Danni doesn't say anything the whole cab ride there. And Zayn can't keep his mouth shut anymore. 

"Danni, are you alright?" 

"Yeah, yeah. Just really tired s'all." And Zayn nods. Because of course Danni would be tired. He was just on a train for three hours. So they sit in silence the rest of the ride. Zayn feels a little nervous himself. And as the cab pulls up to his house, and he sees his mum standing outside, a million butterflies erupt in his stomach.

"Hello, I'm Zayn's mum, Trisha! Lovely to meet you, Danni!" And she pulls him in for a quick hug. 

"Thank you! You as well!" 

"It's just us three for the night! Yaser drove the girls out of town to watch some fireworks with their friends!" And once they get in Zayn's mum makes them all tea, and Danni excuses himself to the bathroom. Zayn knows that now would be the perfect time to tell his mum about going over to Harry's tonight. And he needs to tell Danni too. But he isn't sure. The last time he saw Harry was four days ago. Holding hands in the tree house at midnight. They left without another word. And Zayn isn't sure that Harry even wants him there anymore. But he wants to go. He isn't even sure why. 

"Zayn, spit it out." His mum says. And he nearly jumps when she says it. 

"Harry invited me over tonight." 

"Why exactly?" She looks at him, and he can tell that she doesn't want him to go. 

"A party, I guess." She lets out a sigh. "I know you're cross with him. So am I. But I think this would be good for me. And Danni will be there too." 

"Oh, love, I know. I just worry about you, that's all." 

"So you think it will be okay to go?" 

"I think you should go check on Danni for now." So he does. And he is on the last stair when he hears something. He can hear Danni in the bathroom. He is talking to someone. And he is keeping his voice low. Almost like he doesn't want anyone to hear what he is saying. But Zayn steps a little closer. 

"I can't do this right now." Zayn's heart is beating out of his chest. "No he doesn't know about you, I would never let him find out. I love you, too. Yeah, I'll see you in a few days." And that's all Zayn can take. He steps up to the door and waits for Danni to open it. And when Danni does, his face goes pale.

"Pleasant phone call?" 

"Zayn, I'm sorry, you weren't meant to find out like this." 

"Yeah, fuck you, Danni!" Zayn pushes him hard. 

"Zayn-" 

"No, don't waste the breath. Just get the fuck out of my house, Danni." And Danni listens. He walks down the stairs, grabbing his things, and then slamming the door behind him. 

"Zayn? What happened?" His mum is standing at the foot of the stairs. And she looks so worried. But Zayn just shrugs. 

"He was cheating on me, mum." 

"Oh, love." 

"No, no. It's alright. I'm going to go ahead and go to Harry's, yeah?" 

"Okay." And she gives him a hug when he is down the stairs. Zayn can feel tears stinging his eyes. But he holds them back and makes his way to Harry's. 

"Hey Zayn- oh my god, are you alright?" Harry answered the door on the first knock. But Zayn couldn't help the tears. He can't even get his voice to work properly, so he just shakes his head a few times. And Harry pulls him inside and into his arms. "You're okay, yeah? I've got you, now." And Harry pulls Zayn to couch and they sit down together, Zayn still wrapped up in Harry's arms. But Zayn feels like it's all too much, so he pushes Harry down on the couch and lays on top of him. Putting his ear right over Harry's heart. And even still with them this close, Zayn can feel all the space between them. And it makes him cry even more. 

"He cheated on me." Zayn finally says. 

"Who cheated on you?" 

"My boyfriend, Danni." 

"Boyfriend?" 

"Not anymore." 

"Well, fuck him. He didn't deserve you anyway." And Zayn smiles a little. "How about a movie, yeah? Donnie Darko?" 

"Yeah, okay." And he sits up to let Harry go get the DVD. And he misses Harry's warmth immediately. 

It hits Zayn, in the time that Harry is taking to run upstairs and get the DVD, that he isn't upset about Danni cheating on him. Not really. He is upset because it seems like nothing ever works out right for him. Sure he liked Danni a little. And yeah he was a good a kisser, but Zayn didn't love him. And thinking back on Harry leaving him hurts worse than Danni cheating on him. But he came to Harry. When he was hurt, Harry was the one he went to. And he thinks it will always be like this. But he doesn't say anything when Harry puts the movie in and cuddles back up with him on the couch. 

"I didn't love him," Zayn finally says. 

"Danni?" 

"He touched me, and all I could think about is how it wasn't you. Or it didn't like it did when you touched me. And he said I love you once, but I couldn't say it back. Because all I saw in my head was you. And when he fucked me, I had to keep my mouth shut. I would've said your name. Almost did." 

"Zayn-" 

"No, Harry. I am done with this back and forth shit. I don't want anyone else, I have only ever wanted you. So please, fucking stay. I love you, so fucking much that it I can barely breathe sometimes. I would walk to the end of the fucking earth for you. I would do anything if you asked me. Because I fucking _love_ you, more than I can express. And I can't even go to sleep at night without thinking of what you are doing. And if you even miss me. Or if you ever really loved me. But the thing is, I know that you loved. I do. Because I could feel. I still can."

"You're right. I love you, too fucking much for my own good," 

"So fucking kiss me then," And Harry does. Its too much teeth and too much grabbing, but it feels perfect to them. And Zayn feels like someone opened a window, and it isn't so hard to breathe anymore. "We're so fucked up," 

"We are, huh?" 

"Talk to me, please, Harry. Tell me everything." Zayn isn't even sure what exactly he is asking for. But Harry seems to know. 

"I think I was fifteen when I first realized that I was, like, proper in love with you. It freaked me out, real bad. I didn't know what to do really. So I told my mum. She was so calm about it the whole, and I think she knew before me. But I would look at you and it was like there was a hole burning in me. Just like you said. But then when we turned seventeen and you kissed me, I knew you were for me. But there was this space between us, I couldn't understand it. So I made more space, and I figured it wouldn't make sense for me to stick around. Because all I ever do is fuck up, but you  _never_ did. It's such a shit reason to leave someone. But it was my reason. And in my head I thought we would never get through all that. And when I can back last time, I could still feel all that space. I just had leave. But now I get how stupid that was. Zayn, I belong with you. Wherever you are is where I should be too. And I get it now, yeah? We could have got through that space, and I should have stayed." Zayn isn't even sure what to say right now. Because he never felt that space. But he feels it now. 

"You never fucked up, Harry. It was  _always_ me. You should have talked to me about all of this, I could've told you. I could have talked you out of it." 

"I'm not sure you could have. And maybe we needed time away from each other. I wasn't even sure how to live without you by my side. But now I know. And so do you. We grew. We found ourselves, just like you said. And then we found each other." 

"How can we get through this?" 

"One kiss at a time. And as many as apologies as I can say. And the promise that I will stay with you for as long as I live." And Harry kisses Zayn's head. 

Zayn isn't sure how all of this will work out. If they can ever get through all of this space, and all the hurt. But he knows that it is worth fighting for. He thinks he would take all the hurt a million times over if it means that he gets Harry in the end. Because Harry  _does_ belong with him. And it seems to be in neon signs everywhere that they are. Because every time they fall apart, they come right back together. Zayn is done falling apart now. He can't be sure that he won't get hurt anymore. But he is sure, for the first time ever, that Harry is here to stay. 

"I love you," Harry whispers. And Zayn is half asleep, but he still smiles.

"Yeah?"

"Fuck yeah."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this! Once again I am sorry for any and all mistakes! But I do hope that you enjoyed it!


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